The Frogs! Good Lawwwd, So Many Frogs!

So, when you spend your entire adult post-pubescent life with a mother who refuses to support any romantic relationship, and does everything in her power to submarine any attempts at love, and you’re so obedient you wouldn’t dare go against her wishes or, heaven forbid, pick the man over her, you end up 38 years old and single without a prospect in p&F1sight.  Additionally, you don’t really have the skills for dating, as you were never taught how to do it, it was never encouraged, so you’re literally behind the 8 ball in so many ways, and it’s exhausting.  So, when everyone else started kissing their frogs around 16, you really have
 only kissed a few, and so, in short, you suck at dating.  Yes, my name is M, and I suck at at dating.  And I wonder, how many frogs have other women kissed, and how far behind am I, actually?

The frogs I’ve dated since I’ve been back have been so ridiculous, I can’t even tell you.  Everything from the Englishman who turned out to be gay, to the Indian who was clueless when it came to women, to the slew of online flakes, to the blind date who clearly would have rather watched basketball than had brunch with me.  I mean, come on, guys, if you don’t want to take a girl out, just don’t ask her out!  Don’t suggest a meet up.  Don’t get her hopes up.  And if, at the end of the date, there’s no spark, no chemistry, well it happens.  But don’t say, “This was fun, let’s do it again sometime,” a la Chandler with Rachel’s boss, and not mean it, cuz there is no need.  At least not with me.

I have one of those faces that tells on me, so if there’s no chemistry, if there’s no spark, if I’m not feeling it, you’ll know.  You won’t have to guess.  If you actually get to a kiss, and it’s notp&F2 ok, yeah, my face, and probably my words will let you know.  Why can’t I get the same in return?  Dating is literally a game, and I don’t get why it should be.  You like each other or not.  Why cause all this unnecessary painful drama?

Just once, can I please go out with a guy who is just honest at the end of the date?  I don’t know why that is too much to ask, but it seems to be.

I’m going through a lot of evolution in my life right now, lots of changes, lots of realizations.  And maybe, the problem with these dudes I keep picking is that I’m picking incorrectly because I am just now starting to figure out who I am and what I want.  Prob not the best time to be trying to snag a man.

I’ve come across some amazing men since I moved back, all already taken of course, so clearly there are good men out there.  But I think I’ve got too much going on to actively pursue one right now.  So, time to take a break from looking for love, and just keep working on me.  Once I get all my ducks in a row, then perhaps I can finally kiss the right frog who will turn out to be a prince, and not another dbag amphibian.

Breadcrumb not found…thought it was found earlier…now realize it just was a rock or something.

Ciao for now,

M

 

Advertisements

Changes

So, I’ve been focusing on what I want, as per my last post, but just last week came up with a plan to finally put into action!  My health is a major concern.  Combine a 50 hour work week with diabetes and sprinkle on unhealthy snacking cuz there’s a Bartell’s five feet from my office and you get a very unhealthy M.  My latest labs scared me to death, and when I got home from the appointment, I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself, “Self…you’re looking an awful lot like your mother.  Do you want your kidneys to fail, too?  Do you want to have to inject insulin into your body for the rest of your life?  Because last I checked, you did not have a daughter to give up her life to care for you when your immune system dissolves into a bag of dialysis fluid.  Wake the fuck up!”

And I did.  I spent a few weeks trying to get hard workouts in after work, and I did.  I also meal planned and ate well.  And yet, very few pounds dropped.  And I started the self-critical path towards bowls of pasta and bags of chips, and thank god for that image of turning into my mother, because I sat down to try to figure out why the hell my plan wasn’t working.  And it hit me.

Cuz I’m trying to fight against years of neglect of my health, while I was focused on my mother’s health, and I work in a demanding, exhausting job, and by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is work out.  It’s a chore, and I hate it, so I had to find another way.

A few years ago I did a high protein diet that worked for me.  I didn’t stick to it, because I didn’t have the best support system at home.  But it worked.  It worked wonders!  It balanced by blood sugar, gave me energy, and the food wasn’t bad.  So in doing research, I decided to go back to it, because on this diet, exercise isn’t a key factor until you shed the pounds.  And if I time it all out right, by the time the pounds are gone, I will have moved closer to work, and the energy suck that is my current commute will be gone, and I can use that time to tone myself up.

It’s going to work.  I can feel it.  I started a separate blog to track that journey, and feel free to check out Ideal Michele if you are so inclined.  This is the first time in my adult life where, rather than just giving up on the problem of my health, or ignoring it, I took stock and realized what my current lifestyle is like, and found a solution that works with it.  I’m pretty damn proud of me.

Crumb so unbelievably earned and found!

Ciao for now,

M

I got a little lost….

I know it’s been a while since I wrote anything, and that’s honestly because, on my hunt for breadcrumbs to find my way back to me, well, I got a little lost. I thought coming back to Seattle would be the beginning of a wonderful time for me.  A time of hope…a time of freedom…a time of understanding.  So, imagine my shock when I was immediately faced with more self-doubt, self-pity, and down right fear that I had made a horrible mistake.  I felt like all the time I was thinking I was headed out of the forest, that ultimately I was just stuck in another part of it.  And it was so dark and so thick, that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

I came across a John Skwiot art piece today, and it perfectly embodies how I have been feeling:

skwiot_dark-forest

So many questions ran through my head.  Would I always feel this way? Why aren’t things better?  What do you need to be happy?

I thought the answers were to fall in love.  And I tried, quite heroically I tried, searching another continent for my happiness.  But it wasn’t to be, I was left with no love, yet, a better understanding that I truly need to love myself first.  And I knew that already, but  thought I could shortcut it.  Sadly, the universe is not a stupid mistress, she knows exactly what I am up to all of the time, and so, back on to the path of self discovery I go.

I got another hard blow to my heart and ego when I had to face the harsh realization that I no longer was a good home for my dog.  My Sheldon, who I raised from 8 weeks old, a sassy little cardigan welsh corgi who I truly loved, well, he didn’t adjust to my move so well.  Apartment living was not fun for him.  And having him got really expensive for me.  His energy was so off, the little guy was hurting himself constantly on the weekends, and it was just too much.  I found him a wonderful new home, and I know he’s happy there, but it doesn’t make me feel like any less of an asshole for having to do it.  I shouldn’t have moved him here.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have moved here.  That question has lingered so strongly since my arrival, and I’m sad to say it has not dissipated.

The job I thought would be great, isn’t, as they’ve got me in a constant holding pattern, with no permanent appointment in sight, and I really need that.  Today I found out I have one interview set for the job, so hopefully things are headed in a better forward direction.  The complications of life have prevented me from writing every day, and my inability to juggle sent me into a downward spiral that was zero fun.

The apartment is lonely without Sheldon.  But I’m re-learning to be the only heartbeat in the house, and thing are starting to look up.  I feel like I’m sifting through the thick muck of the forest and finally making forward movement again.  And I have faith I’ll find my way again, because I’m back to being focused on finding my way again.  This blog post is the first major step.

Wish me well as I continue to figure out my place in this world.  Send your positive energy my way to find it.

Ciao for now,

M