What Do I Do With That?!?!

Sitting around a table at a dive bar with two men, one of whom is young, and the other is a little older  than I am, the subject came around to dating, mostly discussing the young one’s dating life, because as he’s young and pretty, has the most active dating life at the table.  I made a comment about my lack of dating life, and how I’m cursed to always land in the friend zone no matter what, and this is where the unsolicited free advice started.

“I would argue that you get friend zoned because that’s where you put yourself,” said the young one.  And as I blinked at him, he added, “You’re a beautiful woman, and my guess is that you don’t believe that.”  He’s not wrong.  I don’t see myself that way.  Never have.  And again, before I could respond, he goes, “You’re really fun to be around and one of the most interesting people I’ve met, and so I think in order to not get friend zoned, you’re going to have to open yourself up more.”

As my best friend, the older, and wiser one at the table just cackled, I couldn’t help but squint at the young one, because these are almost the same verbatim words that my best friend has said to me on numerous occasions.  Additionally, getting this advice from a young man who has never even once made a pass in my direction, has no desire for anything other than friendship from me can sit there and so quickly and easily blame it all on my is a bit bizarre.

So, in finally finding my voice I say to the young one, “I agree.  You’re 100% right on all accounts.  The problem is, I have no idea how to do what you’re suggesting.”  And the quizzical look he gave me showed me he didn’t believe me.

I tried to explain to him that, the time in life that most people figure out how to maneuver dating is in high school.  That’s where you should be cutting your teeth on learning the dos and don’ts about navigating romance.  I, however, wasn’t given that option.  My mother had me programmed to never see myself as attractive.  And God help any boy who even remotely found me so, as she’d figure out a way to run them off.  Whether it was forcing me to break up with them once summer hit because, “I was too young for something that long and serious” or talking a boy into breaking up with me because “I needed to focus on school and not boys” or manipulating all of my guy friends to act as body guards to ensure that no other boy ever looked at me as anything more than a friend.  And when all of that is happening without your knowledge, you learn to see yourself as nothing more than the friend.

This has continued into my adult life.  I can be at a party, gathering, event with single men, and while they might enjoy talking to me, and might laugh at my wit, they never ask for my number before they leave.  They never want to get to know me better.  They never pursue me.  So, in explaining this to the young one, he blatantly says, “Yeah, but that’s because you don’t seem open to it.  You have a logical way of looking at the world, compartmentalizing everything into a neat little box, so you aren’t open to being pursued.”  My best friend adds, “They can see your ‘Keep Out’ sign that is tattooed on your forehead.

And I’m baffled.  What the fuck are they talking about?  I have no idea what they’re talking about.  I had no idea that’s how I am perceived.  When I meet new people, I always try to just ‘be myself’ and I’m now realizing, that in doing that, I’m some how also giving off an unavailable vibe.  And i have no idea how or why that’s happened, so with all this very honest advice that I’m getting, as I sat at that bar staring at them, all I could think was, “What do I do with that?!?  How do I fix a problem I don’t even know I have?”  It’s not that I don’t believe them.  I’m sure they’re right.  I’m sure they’re telling the truth.  But how the hell do I fix it because I don’t see it?

I have no idea how to do things differently.  I have no idea what personality traits I”m supposed to hide, or which ones to make bigger.  I have no idea how to navigate this in any way, shape or form.  Mostly because when I do meet a guy I find attractive, I do try to get to know him, but the way I do it always lands me in the friend zone, so in addition to not knowing how to be pursued, I clearly don’t know how to pursue either.

And it occurred to me.  How is this completely all on me?  How is there not a guy out there who would see past the ‘keep out sign’ that is supposedly on my forehead? Back in the day, I’ve learned since my mother died, there were quite a few guys who wanted to pursue me, but didn’t for either fear of my mother or fear of my friends.  As an adult, only two men dared try to be with me, both not giving a crap about my mother’s tactics to run them off, but i was too obedient to choose them over her once the ultimatum was thrown down by her.

It’s been almost 24 hours since all this truth was laid at my feet, and still, I have no idea how to fix this problem.  No idea how to ‘be more open’.  No clue whatsoever.  Perhaps the curse of the friend zone is my fault.  But since I don’t know how to fix it, I guess it’s just going to have to stay as it is for now.  Maybe an epiphany will come to me.  Although, it does suck that being myself isn’t enough.  It does suck that who I am, who I know myself to be, and the things I like about myself aren’t enough.  That I somehow now have to figure out some way to be more.  I don’t know that I want to do that.  But I don’t want to be alone forever, either.

No breadcrumb, this time, sadly.  Instead, I fear this conversation and the emotions and frustrations that have come from it have led me down a new path of self evaluation that is taking me further away from the life I’m meant to have.  I probably should stop this path, and just go back…but I don’t know that I can just ignore it now that it’s out there.  Truth. What do I do with that?

I have no idea….

Ciao for now,

M

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Changes

So, I’ve been focusing on what I want, as per my last post, but just last week came up with a plan to finally put into action!  My health is a major concern.  Combine a 50 hour work week with diabetes and sprinkle on unhealthy snacking cuz there’s a Bartell’s five feet from my office and you get a very unhealthy M.  My latest labs scared me to death, and when I got home from the appointment, I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself, “Self…you’re looking an awful lot like your mother.  Do you want your kidneys to fail, too?  Do you want to have to inject insulin into your body for the rest of your life?  Because last I checked, you did not have a daughter to give up her life to care for you when your immune system dissolves into a bag of dialysis fluid.  Wake the fuck up!”

And I did.  I spent a few weeks trying to get hard workouts in after work, and I did.  I also meal planned and ate well.  And yet, very few pounds dropped.  And I started the self-critical path towards bowls of pasta and bags of chips, and thank god for that image of turning into my mother, because I sat down to try to figure out why the hell my plan wasn’t working.  And it hit me.

Cuz I’m trying to fight against years of neglect of my health, while I was focused on my mother’s health, and I work in a demanding, exhausting job, and by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is work out.  It’s a chore, and I hate it, so I had to find another way.

A few years ago I did a high protein diet that worked for me.  I didn’t stick to it, because I didn’t have the best support system at home.  But it worked.  It worked wonders!  It balanced by blood sugar, gave me energy, and the food wasn’t bad.  So in doing research, I decided to go back to it, because on this diet, exercise isn’t a key factor until you shed the pounds.  And if I time it all out right, by the time the pounds are gone, I will have moved closer to work, and the energy suck that is my current commute will be gone, and I can use that time to tone myself up.

It’s going to work.  I can feel it.  I started a separate blog to track that journey, and feel free to check out Ideal Michele if you are so inclined.  This is the first time in my adult life where, rather than just giving up on the problem of my health, or ignoring it, I took stock and realized what my current lifestyle is like, and found a solution that works with it.  I’m pretty damn proud of me.

Crumb so unbelievably earned and found!

Ciao for now,

M

The Reiki-ing

I’ve dubbed 2015 the year of the body, in where I am finally going to fine tune mine back to something I can be proud of, something I no longer neglect, something I am no longer ashamed of.  And the plan of attack is a combo of yoga, strength training, clean diet, and procedures.  And no, not those types of procedures, I’m talking chiropractic, massage, acupuncture and meditation.  And so far, so good, as we reach the end of the first month of January, but the emotional side of me wasn’t quite believing in my cause.  I was carrying around some negative energy, so a friend of a friend is a reiki master, so I thought to myself, “Self…I don’t know what reiki is, but let’s give it a try!”  So, I made the appointment and went on Friday.

Now, knowing me,  you’re probably wondering why it took a few days to blog about this experience, well, that is because it rocked my world so badly, and I have had so much to think about, right this second is the first time I felt like I could articulate what I’m feeling.

So, for those of you not in the know, reiki is an energy reading and cleaning by a reiki specialist/master/guru/magic-person!  And it friggin worked on me!  When you get done, you get told things about yourself that no stranger should know.  And without getting into he details of my very intense, very profound reading, let me just say it was life changing.

It reaffirmed a few health things i knew were going on.  It also brought to life a few things about my upbringing that I’d repressed, one of which was based in the learning/conditioning/family way that I’d been taught when it came to elders.  I was told from the time I could understand, by all the elders in my family, “You will find times that we make you mad, or do things you don’t agree with.  You are going to get quite mad, and maybe think you want to say something about it, but I’m your (insert family member here, mom, grandpa, whatever), and you will not disrespect me, so, you can think it, but don’t you ever say it!  If you say it, and I hear it, I will knock your teeth down your throat.”  And, well, I believed them.  So, I learned very young to keep my opinions to myself.

And what reiki did for me was let me know that even though I stayed silent all those times my grandfather’s behavior was abhorrent, or every time my mother was cruel, I was right in thinking they were wrong.  I was right in knowing that the way they were behaving, the way they were walking the world was wrong.  I was right in the opinions I silently carried all those years, because even when I vented to my friends, they’d betray me and tell my mother what I’d said.  I had no outlet, and the silence got worse.  I was right to have the thoughts I had about things going on around me.  I was right to know in my heart that the way my mother wrapped her ENTIRE world around me was unhealthy.  I was right to know that horribly tiny town was somewhere I never should have been, and I was right to apply to the best school in the country, and I was right to be angry with my mother for refusing to let me go.  I was right to go after my passion, and I was right to finally find my calling and I was right to change my major, and I was right to not fight being disowned by my grandfather for it, because I was right in that he was a terrible,  hateful man who never should have been in my life to begin with!

I was right to go home to care for my mother, but I was also right in my fear that she let me come home 5 years too soon.  I was right to want a life of my own, and I was right to fall in love with a man and I was right to think it was wrong that my mother not only couldn’t be happy for me, but did everything in her power to destroy that relationship.  I was right to cry so many nights in high school, wondering what was wrong with me that boys never liked me or pursued me, because something was wrong.  She was wrong, in secretly keeping them from me and actively manipulating me with her classic “You don’t need a boyfriend you need to (fill in the blank with get to college/focus on college/get a good job/take care of me as you like).”  Her fear of losing me and isolating me from the possibility of being anything more than her daughter was wrong!  And I knew it!  And I never said anything.  Even on her death bed, I couldn’t tell the truth, because I’d been silent for so long.

Reiki let me know the silence wasn’t for naught.  Because even though I was silent…I was right.  And there is something calming and peaceful about that thought.  There’s something comforting about it.  There’s also something very sad about it.  All those times I was too weak to stand up for myself within my own house, all the while fashioning myself a strong person is really sad to see.  Realizing that, since i left that awful house I’ve always hated, I’ve continued to be silent on so many things.  I don’t trust myself at all, and reiki opened my eyes to the fact that I’ve never trusted myself.

I’ve been reactive for so long, i don’t know how to be proactive.  I don’t know how to do this without checking every detail of life with my mother before I make a decision.  I don’t know how to do this life without her, and I am so mad at her because it was her job to teach me how to do this without her, and her fear of being alone created this isolating experience where we were so freakishly linked that i couldn’t make a move without her, and I still can’t!  And I hate myself for it.  At least I did….until the other night when a perfect stranger looked me in my face and said ‘You’re so intuitive and have amazing instincts and you should really trust yourself more, because you got this.’

So, in this year, the year of the body, I am going to start trusting myself.  Start letting go of the things I can’t go back and change.  Embrace the fact that I was always right and that it was ok that I was right.  And remind myself that I no longer have to be silent about it.

The reiki-ing of my world opened it up in the most amazing way, and I am so grateful for it.  I wonder what I’ll discover at my second session.

Breadcrumb very emotionally and eye opening-ly found.

Ciao for now,

M

Love While You Can….Please!

Love has been on my mind for quite some time, and it’s still there, but taking an interesting turn these days.  In an answer to my needy vs. not needy post, a song came across my iTunes and I’m sure I’ve heard it dozens of time before, but for whatever reason it really hit me hard today.

“Love whenever and wherever and however you should.”

This song is from a new play on Broadway called If/Then starting the great Idina Menzel and one of my favorite voices, La Chanze.  This song just slapped me in the face today, and I wanted to put it out there so I didn’t forget this feeling.  Love is friggin fantastic in all of it’s forms, so I need to stop waiting for and worrying about only the true kind, but instead, just be grateful for all the love in my life.

Take a listen….I don’t think you’ll regret it:

Ciao for now,

M

Release

I’ve started seriously practicing yoga.  Joined a studio.  Bought a matt and a grippy, aka yogi toes, towel. And have spent three days a week the past two weeks trying my hand at candlelight beginner yoga.  And last night, in my sixth practice session, I struggled.  I couldn’t focus.  Couldn’t keep my mind clear and open.  It constantly filled with minutia and stress and fear, causing my poses to be less than stellar.  I strained through the twist sequence.  I struggled through the balance section.  And the core work threatened to kill me!

And then we got to the end.  To the Shavasana pose, also called corpse pose.  And in laying my hands out at my sides, and stretching my legs long, and centering back into even breathing as sweat dripped down my face, I heard my teacher, Gus, say the words “When you’re ready, release…”

And there may have been words after that, I don’t know, because I took a deep breath, exhaled, and released.  And something in me, deep inside me, released, and I truly let go.  I felt tears well up in my eyes under my closed lids, I felt my breath fully even out and happen with ease.  I released a release I didn’t even know I needed.  And it felt amazing.

I have been through so much over the past year or so, and I thought I’d let most of it go.  But last night, I let go of something I didn’t know I was holding on to, and it made me wonder.  What else am I holding on to?  When will I sense it so that I can release it?  What am I hiding from myself, or more honestly, what am I hiding from?

Now is my time to shine.  Now is my time to explore.  Now is my time to be anything I want to be, and yet I still feel so stuck most of the time.  But not last night.  Last night I felt free.  Last night I felt release.  And as I said, it felt good.  And I want more of that.  Line a glass of good wine, or an amazing orgasm…..I want more of that.  I. Want. More. Of. That.

And damnit, I’m going to get it.

Ciao for now,

M

I got a little lost….

I know it’s been a while since I wrote anything, and that’s honestly because, on my hunt for breadcrumbs to find my way back to me, well, I got a little lost. I thought coming back to Seattle would be the beginning of a wonderful time for me.  A time of hope…a time of freedom…a time of understanding.  So, imagine my shock when I was immediately faced with more self-doubt, self-pity, and down right fear that I had made a horrible mistake.  I felt like all the time I was thinking I was headed out of the forest, that ultimately I was just stuck in another part of it.  And it was so dark and so thick, that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

I came across a John Skwiot art piece today, and it perfectly embodies how I have been feeling:

skwiot_dark-forest

So many questions ran through my head.  Would I always feel this way? Why aren’t things better?  What do you need to be happy?

I thought the answers were to fall in love.  And I tried, quite heroically I tried, searching another continent for my happiness.  But it wasn’t to be, I was left with no love, yet, a better understanding that I truly need to love myself first.  And I knew that already, but  thought I could shortcut it.  Sadly, the universe is not a stupid mistress, she knows exactly what I am up to all of the time, and so, back on to the path of self discovery I go.

I got another hard blow to my heart and ego when I had to face the harsh realization that I no longer was a good home for my dog.  My Sheldon, who I raised from 8 weeks old, a sassy little cardigan welsh corgi who I truly loved, well, he didn’t adjust to my move so well.  Apartment living was not fun for him.  And having him got really expensive for me.  His energy was so off, the little guy was hurting himself constantly on the weekends, and it was just too much.  I found him a wonderful new home, and I know he’s happy there, but it doesn’t make me feel like any less of an asshole for having to do it.  I shouldn’t have moved him here.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have moved here.  That question has lingered so strongly since my arrival, and I’m sad to say it has not dissipated.

The job I thought would be great, isn’t, as they’ve got me in a constant holding pattern, with no permanent appointment in sight, and I really need that.  Today I found out I have one interview set for the job, so hopefully things are headed in a better forward direction.  The complications of life have prevented me from writing every day, and my inability to juggle sent me into a downward spiral that was zero fun.

The apartment is lonely without Sheldon.  But I’m re-learning to be the only heartbeat in the house, and thing are starting to look up.  I feel like I’m sifting through the thick muck of the forest and finally making forward movement again.  And I have faith I’ll find my way again, because I’m back to being focused on finding my way again.  This blog post is the first major step.

Wish me well as I continue to figure out my place in this world.  Send your positive energy my way to find it.

Ciao for now,

M

Forgiveness is the Key

Image

photo courtesy of peacelovewings.com

There’s a song by Savage Garden (I really wish they’d reunite, btw) that has a line that goes “I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness.”  And lately I’ve come to realize that this is true.  Forgiveness.  So much power in one little word. Such a simple concept.  So, then, why is it so difficult to do?

I have many people I need to forgive in order to move forward, and that revelation is the latest bread crumb found on my journey to my new life.  It’s difficult when you sit down and list out the people who have hurt you in your life, and realize how many there are, and how many are still on your heart.  Let me step back, so…forgiveness is the key to my unhappiness.  How did I go about starting to forgive?

First, I sat down and made a list of people who had hurt me over the course of my life.  And sadly, it was a very long list.  I haven’t been treated well by many people.  And then, I went back over that list and crossed out the names who I had already forgiven, and that left me with a smaller, yet very powerful list.  Not because it was a reminder of all the hurt, but it was a revelation on how much I am still carrying around.  How am I to heal, if that many wounds are still open?  Answer:  I won’t.  It’s time to let them scar over.  It’s time to truly forgive, with the hope that I’ll be able to drop this dead weight on my heart, and move forward into happiness.

I need to forgive my parents, most of all.  Both of them.  Both human, both damaged on their own, and both selfish.  Both made choices that affected me, but it’s my decision if that affectation is permanent.  Childhood friends who treated me like crap, ex-loves who didn’t love me as I loved them, ex-coworkers who chipped away at my spirit.  Again, all their actions affected me, but it’s my decision if the effect is permanent.  And most importantly, me.  I’m harder on myself than anyone could be; allowing others’ opinions of me to sometimes shape how I see myself.  I haven’t taken care of my heart in a healthy way up to now, and it’s my decision if I want to continue that way or forgive myself…forgive all these people.  And I choose to forgive.  

Honestly, it’s just words right now, but I know, with enough affirmation (ha!  That’s the name of the Savage Garden song the quote is from!  Love it when that spontaneously happens!) this forgiveness will become real.  It will become truth.  It’s just a matter of time.

Wish me luck!

Ciao for now,

M

Silence of the Trees

Silence of the Trees

Growing up, I hated nature. Loathed it. Wanted nothing to do with it. Hated being outside. The sunshine made me angry. The heat made me cranky. I found no peace in anything outside. I now know, that was conditioning by my mother, because SHE hated nature and wanted nothing to do with it. So, there was no way she was going to encourage me to enjoy being outside.

Now that she’s gone, and my life is my own, I find myself craving to be surrounded by nature. The heat no longer bothers me like it did. The sun no longer irritates me. And trees, something about trees bring me a serenity I didn’t know could exist.

I’m working on my spiritual side as much as my physical and mental sides, and meditation has become so valuable to me. And I am finding, meditating when out in nature is so much easier and so much more effective than trying to do it in my apartment.

I came across this quote/photo, and it spoke to me. Finding the silence in the trees allows me to quiet my mind in an epic way. I forget the stresses and frustration that cloud my mind during the day, and just listen. LIsten to the heartbeat of the trees and the sounds of the birds and just, simply breathe.

I would never have been able to experience that in the tower that was my childhood home. Now that I’m free from the tower, I’m learning that nature is good. Nature is calming. Nature is what I never knew I always wanted.

Now, mind you, it’s intimidating. I haven’t ventured too far into it, as I’ve realized, if something went wrong, if I got hurt, if I got lost, I truly don’t have the survival skills to be completely one with nature. But I’m working towards that. I plan to do a lot of hiking over the summer, both with Sheldon and on my own. I will be reaching out to my nature loving friends for advice, for guidance, and to join me in my journey to exploring this side of living that I never cared about before.

I’m looking forward to learning more.

Ciao for Now,

M

Love Someone

Love. Such a strange and wonderful feeling, isn’t it? As Jason says in this song, “When you love someone, it comes back to you.” And it has me thinking about where I’m at in my journey. And of all the things I want, Love is silently, and subtly moving to the top of my list. It’s been so long since I’ve been loved, truly romantically loved. And I’ve been reminded so many times lately how, by those that I have loved in the past, while still in my sphere, no longer love me. Perhaps they never did. But even if they did, they all love other people now. Why do I yearn for those lost loves? Is it because they are worth longing for, or is it because I don’t have a new love to take me to a new, better place? A little of both, would be my guess. And then it hit me, even if one of these past loves wanted me right now, I’d screw it up. And the reason for that slapped me in the face hard tonight after a phone call to one of these past loves.

Why would they love me when I don’t love myself? Cuz I don’t. That’s hard to say out loud for me. Harder to type here for all the world to read. But this blog, this is the place I must be truly honest with myself. Otherwise, I will never find all the breadcrumbs necessary to find my happiness. And the truth is, I sooooooo don’t love me anymore. Did I ever?

A lot of that comes from the conditioning of my mother who always reminded me that I am not lovable by anyone but her. Other parts of it come from the slew of men in my life, both as a teenager and in present day, not to mention all the years in between where none of them wanted me romantically. They just wanted friendship. Perhaps it is because I’ve never truly loved myself. Why would anyone love someone who felt they were unlovable? Answer: they won’t.

In all the work I’m doing with the law of attraction, it’s so simple. If I believe I’m unlovable, no one will love me. I’ll continue to attract friendship only. And if the lyrics in this song are true, then perhaps the someone I need to love is myself.

It’s wonderful incentive to make some changes. I’m not sure how all those changes look at the moment, but when I find them, I know I’ll be that much closer to true happiness.

In the meantime, I’ll listen to the genius works of Mr. Mraz to help remind me that if you love someone, then it will come back to you. Cuz I want that great love that I’ve never had. But no use in it arriving if I’m not ready to receive it. So, time to take the steps necessary to get ready for it. Cuz, “When you love someone, your heart, beat beats so loud. When you love someone, your feet can’t feel the ground. Shining stars all seem to congregate around your face. When you love someone…it comes…back….to you.” And I am so ready for it to come back to me.

Ciao for Now,

M

From the Tower to the Sanctuary

I know it’s been quite a while since I posted anything.  There’s a good reason for that.  It’s because I was stepping out of my last chapter and into my new one.  And there wasn’t time to sit and write until today.  And I’m so excited to share this with you guys.

I’ve finally moved forward!  I have finally stepped out of the tower that imprisoned my past and am heading, face first, into the glorious future that is mine!  100% mine!  And that level of accountability is no joke!

When I started my 2014 goals, I didn’t expect to be so far along in five short months.  There have been hiccups, and obstacles, and roadblocks, and frustrations, but I’ve come through them all.  A little battered…a little more scarred…a little more exhausted.  But you know what?  I also came out a little stronger.  Hell, a lot stronger!

The house I grew up in sold.  Someone else wants it, allowing me to finally move back to the last city I was truly happy in, where I made the last decision just for myself, before my daughterly duty took over.  And fittingly, my new apartment complex is called The Sanctuary.  And that is what this place will be for me.  It will be the place I start over.  The place I recharge.  The place I regroup.  And the place I truly focus on what I want out of this life; this ever precious life.  And of all the things I want, happiness is at the top of the list.

I grew up frustrated with my surroundings.  Hating that house from the time I was old enough to know better, walking from it at 18 felt good on a level I can’t put words to, but freedom often is tough to explain.  I had five solid years of freedom, and then, just as I was on the precipice of really spreading my wings to fly, my mother, in the expert way only she could, clipped my wings with one sentence.  “I’m in end stage kidney failure.”  Being the dutiful daughter I was, my dreams were instantly squashed; my drive instantly haulted; my light instantly extinguished.  

I stayed in my city for another eight years, but when she got worse, my chains got shorter.  I moved back to the town I loathed, and gave my mother everything she ever wanted: me at home with a ‘good job’.  She could see me whenever she wanted, and I, unknowingly, was like Rapunzel who, even though she finally got out to see a bit of the world, was being pulled back, strand by painful strand, into the tower, whether she wanted to go or not.  

Looking back now, and doing the work I’ve been doing with literature from amazingly inspirational people like Lisa Nichols and Jack Canfield, I realize that, I wasn’t being pulled back by a manipulative mother.  I chose to go back.  I need to write that again so that I fully embrace it.  I CHOSE to go back.  I chose duty over freedom.  I chose my mother’s needs over my own.  And I need to embrace that and stop blaming her for my choices.  There’s an amazing breadcrumb to find, if ever there was one!

So, back in the tower I chose to stay until the tower sold.  And as my best friend pointed out, I could have just put my clothes, and my dog in the car and left, but i chose to stay.  So, choosing to stay came with so many challenges.  Cleaning out 61 years of Solano history out of the house and garage all by myself…packing up my entire life to move somewhere new….deciding where to move to…working with a realtor and dealing with all the stress that comes with keeping a house show ready…being worked over by the buyer’s bank over and over again during the selling process…closing delay after delay….realizing how little of the money you actually get to keep….moving before the closure of the sale and living off credit cards…adjusting a dog to apartment living and jerking him out of the only home he’s ever known.  Yeah, these all sucked.  But I chose it.  I attracted all of this to me.  I had to go through all of that to get here.

To get the call at 4pm, that the buyer arrived to sign the paperwork.  That the sale would close today!  That the money would be to me tomorrow.  That I’m finally done!  I’m finally out of the tower!  The tower is no longer mine to be trapped in, no longer mine to deal with, no longer mine.   Period.  And it feels so unbelievably good.

This freedom, this unbelievably delicious, beautiful freedom that I have been craving for years, yet wouldn’t choose to take for myself, I can finally take.  And I can take it with the knowledge that I was the best daughter ever!  That I didn’t desert family when it got hard, or when she got mean, or when I was so miserable, that they only way out seemed to die right along with her.  That I’m a good person, whose shadow days are behind her.  

All the choices were always mine.  I just didn’t see it.  I see it now.  And now, for the first time in 15 years, I choose me.  I choose happiness.  I choose life!  And I plan to live it hard and wild.  I plan to take the chances I never thought I could take before.  I will no longer have ‘have-tos’ in my life.  Only ‘want-tos’ will be in my reality.

As angry as I’ve been at her, I need to thank her, and the insane, awful ancestors who came before her, because they helped shape the woman I am today.  A strong woman who didn’t break under all the pressure of the last 15 years.  A woman who will celebrate her scars with pride.  Who will transform the negative into something positive and make a mesmerizing life from here on out.  I thank them for my strength.  I carry it with me every day.  Literally, on my arm is a chaotic circle with Forza in the middle.  Forza!  Italian for strength, that is me.  I had strength in the chaos.  

The tower is sold.  I’m out.  I’m free.  And now, it’s time to spread those wings I’ve spent the past 15 years re-growing.  No one will clip me this time.  

It’s my time to fly!

Ciao for now,

M