Love While You Can….Please!

Love has been on my mind for quite some time, and it’s still there, but taking an interesting turn these days.  In an answer to my needy vs. not needy post, a song came across my iTunes and I’m sure I’ve heard it dozens of time before, but for whatever reason it really hit me hard today.

“Love whenever and wherever and however you should.”

This song is from a new play on Broadway called If/Then starting the great Idina Menzel and one of my favorite voices, La Chanze.  This song just slapped me in the face today, and I wanted to put it out there so I didn’t forget this feeling.  Love is friggin fantastic in all of it’s forms, so I need to stop waiting for and worrying about only the true kind, but instead, just be grateful for all the love in my life.

Take a listen….I don’t think you’ll regret it:

Ciao for now,

M

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Love Someone

Love. Such a strange and wonderful feeling, isn’t it? As Jason says in this song, “When you love someone, it comes back to you.” And it has me thinking about where I’m at in my journey. And of all the things I want, Love is silently, and subtly moving to the top of my list. It’s been so long since I’ve been loved, truly romantically loved. And I’ve been reminded so many times lately how, by those that I have loved in the past, while still in my sphere, no longer love me. Perhaps they never did. But even if they did, they all love other people now. Why do I yearn for those lost loves? Is it because they are worth longing for, or is it because I don’t have a new love to take me to a new, better place? A little of both, would be my guess. And then it hit me, even if one of these past loves wanted me right now, I’d screw it up. And the reason for that slapped me in the face hard tonight after a phone call to one of these past loves.

Why would they love me when I don’t love myself? Cuz I don’t. That’s hard to say out loud for me. Harder to type here for all the world to read. But this blog, this is the place I must be truly honest with myself. Otherwise, I will never find all the breadcrumbs necessary to find my happiness. And the truth is, I sooooooo don’t love me anymore. Did I ever?

A lot of that comes from the conditioning of my mother who always reminded me that I am not lovable by anyone but her. Other parts of it come from the slew of men in my life, both as a teenager and in present day, not to mention all the years in between where none of them wanted me romantically. They just wanted friendship. Perhaps it is because I’ve never truly loved myself. Why would anyone love someone who felt they were unlovable? Answer: they won’t.

In all the work I’m doing with the law of attraction, it’s so simple. If I believe I’m unlovable, no one will love me. I’ll continue to attract friendship only. And if the lyrics in this song are true, then perhaps the someone I need to love is myself.

It’s wonderful incentive to make some changes. I’m not sure how all those changes look at the moment, but when I find them, I know I’ll be that much closer to true happiness.

In the meantime, I’ll listen to the genius works of Mr. Mraz to help remind me that if you love someone, then it will come back to you. Cuz I want that great love that I’ve never had. But no use in it arriving if I’m not ready to receive it. So, time to take the steps necessary to get ready for it. Cuz, “When you love someone, your heart, beat beats so loud. When you love someone, your feet can’t feel the ground. Shining stars all seem to congregate around your face. When you love someone…it comes…back….to you.” And I am so ready for it to come back to me.

Ciao for Now,

M

From the Tower to the Sanctuary

I know it’s been quite a while since I posted anything.  There’s a good reason for that.  It’s because I was stepping out of my last chapter and into my new one.  And there wasn’t time to sit and write until today.  And I’m so excited to share this with you guys.

I’ve finally moved forward!  I have finally stepped out of the tower that imprisoned my past and am heading, face first, into the glorious future that is mine!  100% mine!  And that level of accountability is no joke!

When I started my 2014 goals, I didn’t expect to be so far along in five short months.  There have been hiccups, and obstacles, and roadblocks, and frustrations, but I’ve come through them all.  A little battered…a little more scarred…a little more exhausted.  But you know what?  I also came out a little stronger.  Hell, a lot stronger!

The house I grew up in sold.  Someone else wants it, allowing me to finally move back to the last city I was truly happy in, where I made the last decision just for myself, before my daughterly duty took over.  And fittingly, my new apartment complex is called The Sanctuary.  And that is what this place will be for me.  It will be the place I start over.  The place I recharge.  The place I regroup.  And the place I truly focus on what I want out of this life; this ever precious life.  And of all the things I want, happiness is at the top of the list.

I grew up frustrated with my surroundings.  Hating that house from the time I was old enough to know better, walking from it at 18 felt good on a level I can’t put words to, but freedom often is tough to explain.  I had five solid years of freedom, and then, just as I was on the precipice of really spreading my wings to fly, my mother, in the expert way only she could, clipped my wings with one sentence.  “I’m in end stage kidney failure.”  Being the dutiful daughter I was, my dreams were instantly squashed; my drive instantly haulted; my light instantly extinguished.  

I stayed in my city for another eight years, but when she got worse, my chains got shorter.  I moved back to the town I loathed, and gave my mother everything she ever wanted: me at home with a ‘good job’.  She could see me whenever she wanted, and I, unknowingly, was like Rapunzel who, even though she finally got out to see a bit of the world, was being pulled back, strand by painful strand, into the tower, whether she wanted to go or not.  

Looking back now, and doing the work I’ve been doing with literature from amazingly inspirational people like Lisa Nichols and Jack Canfield, I realize that, I wasn’t being pulled back by a manipulative mother.  I chose to go back.  I need to write that again so that I fully embrace it.  I CHOSE to go back.  I chose duty over freedom.  I chose my mother’s needs over my own.  And I need to embrace that and stop blaming her for my choices.  There’s an amazing breadcrumb to find, if ever there was one!

So, back in the tower I chose to stay until the tower sold.  And as my best friend pointed out, I could have just put my clothes, and my dog in the car and left, but i chose to stay.  So, choosing to stay came with so many challenges.  Cleaning out 61 years of Solano history out of the house and garage all by myself…packing up my entire life to move somewhere new….deciding where to move to…working with a realtor and dealing with all the stress that comes with keeping a house show ready…being worked over by the buyer’s bank over and over again during the selling process…closing delay after delay….realizing how little of the money you actually get to keep….moving before the closure of the sale and living off credit cards…adjusting a dog to apartment living and jerking him out of the only home he’s ever known.  Yeah, these all sucked.  But I chose it.  I attracted all of this to me.  I had to go through all of that to get here.

To get the call at 4pm, that the buyer arrived to sign the paperwork.  That the sale would close today!  That the money would be to me tomorrow.  That I’m finally done!  I’m finally out of the tower!  The tower is no longer mine to be trapped in, no longer mine to deal with, no longer mine.   Period.  And it feels so unbelievably good.

This freedom, this unbelievably delicious, beautiful freedom that I have been craving for years, yet wouldn’t choose to take for myself, I can finally take.  And I can take it with the knowledge that I was the best daughter ever!  That I didn’t desert family when it got hard, or when she got mean, or when I was so miserable, that they only way out seemed to die right along with her.  That I’m a good person, whose shadow days are behind her.  

All the choices were always mine.  I just didn’t see it.  I see it now.  And now, for the first time in 15 years, I choose me.  I choose happiness.  I choose life!  And I plan to live it hard and wild.  I plan to take the chances I never thought I could take before.  I will no longer have ‘have-tos’ in my life.  Only ‘want-tos’ will be in my reality.

As angry as I’ve been at her, I need to thank her, and the insane, awful ancestors who came before her, because they helped shape the woman I am today.  A strong woman who didn’t break under all the pressure of the last 15 years.  A woman who will celebrate her scars with pride.  Who will transform the negative into something positive and make a mesmerizing life from here on out.  I thank them for my strength.  I carry it with me every day.  Literally, on my arm is a chaotic circle with Forza in the middle.  Forza!  Italian for strength, that is me.  I had strength in the chaos.  

The tower is sold.  I’m out.  I’m free.  And now, it’s time to spread those wings I’ve spent the past 15 years re-growing.  No one will clip me this time.  

It’s my time to fly!

Ciao for now,

M