You Gotta Listen!

So, one of the things I do to keep myself grounded and healthy is to do Reiki.  I have a wonderful woman who performs Reiki on me, and I truly do love it.  (If you’d like her details, let me know).  Anyway, of all my sessions, one thing she says to me every time is, “Your spirit guides are always trying to guide you and give you hints, and you ignore them.  You need to listen to that voice inside you that is trying to guide you.  Yet, you discard things that show themselves to you every day, and if you’d stop doing that, and pay attention to those things, it would help you find what you’re looking for.”

And I believe that she’s right.  However, hard habits are tough to break.  So, that being said, I’ve been trying to listen to that little voice more, and pay attention to signs around me.  And holy crap, if it isn’t working!

The past two weeks have been tough for me on this crazy high protein diet I’ve been on.  I’ve had no interest in eating.  I haven’t felt well.  I’ve been moody and cranky.  I have had no energy, and have been battling myself with wanting to quit.  I’ve been arguing with myself because I saw the urge to quit as a weakness.  As my giving up on a tool that will help me lose weight and get to a healthier, slimmer me.  I didn’t want to quit yet another diet.  I wanted to finish what I started.

But no matter how often I argued, that little voice inside got louder and louder.  And it wasn’t saying ‘eat junk food’ or ‘you need to stop!’.  When I took a breath and listened, what it was saying is, “This isn’t the right path for you.  It got you started, which is great.  But it’s time for you to move!”  And that’s what I’ve been feeling.  I am really wanting to workout, and this diet plan doesn’t allow for that.  And while it’s an extreme fix for an immediate health concern, I really need a plan that allows me to move!  And I heard my body loud and clear on this yesterday.

I had to carry a bunch of stuff from one building to another at work yesterday, and by the end of the day my arms were so sore.  I’m not used to being that weak!  I’m not used to getting out of breath from a 10min walk, slightly uphill from my car to my office.  While I might be getting thinner, I’m definitely NOT getting fitter, and I’ve been feeling this way for a few weeks.

Now, on my social media newsfeeds, one thing kept popping up over and over again.  A link to  Krav Maga Seattle.  It’s been everywhere, and last night, I clicked on the link.  And something told me that this is where the next phase of my path to a better, healthier me is supposed to go!  Not only do they teach Krav Maga, which I’ve always wanted to try, but they offer heavy bag classes, HIIT training, and yoga!  It’s like one stop shopping for all the workout types I love.  And as many struggles as I’ve had lately, being able to smack the crap out of a heavy bag as many times a week as I need/want to, sounds awesome!

I spent last night soul searching.  Should I shift from Ideal Protein to Krav Maga?  Is this the right move for me?  I emailed my doctor, who of course wants me to stay on Ideal Protein.  is convinced that’s what I need to do.  And when I woke up this morning, this horoscope was waiting for me:

ths

My hope is that my doctor only has my health in mind, but that is one expensive diet plan, so that may be a motivator as well.  Either way, my gut is telling me it’s time to find a better solution.  One where I sweat!  one where I eat balanced meals for every meal.  One where I feel good every day and not bored, frustrated, weak, and lethargic!  I’m not abandoning my plan to get healthy.  I’m just changing my course of how to get there!

My first class is on Saturday. And I’m really excited to start this new journey.  I am going to listen to the that inner voice.  I’m not going to regret changing my mind or tactic!  If nothing else, this journey is teaching me to trust myself more.  That’s what my Reiki Guru is always telling me.  To trust myself more.  So, that’s what I’m going to do.

Breadcrumb definitely found!

Ciao for now,

M sm

What Do I Do With That?!?!

Sitting around a table at a dive bar with two men, one of whom is young, and the other is a little older  than I am, the subject came around to dating, mostly discussing the young one’s dating life, because as he’s young and pretty, has the most active dating life at the table.  I made a comment about my lack of dating life, and how I’m cursed to always land in the friend zone no matter what, and this is where the unsolicited free advice started.

“I would argue that you get friend zoned because that’s where you put yourself,” said the young one.  And as I blinked at him, he added, “You’re a beautiful woman, and my guess is that you don’t believe that.”  He’s not wrong.  I don’t see myself that way.  Never have.  And again, before I could respond, he goes, “You’re really fun to be around and one of the most interesting people I’ve met, and so I think in order to not get friend zoned, you’re going to have to open yourself up more.”

As my best friend, the older, and wiser one at the table just cackled, I couldn’t help but squint at the young one, because these are almost the same verbatim words that my best friend has said to me on numerous occasions.  Additionally, getting this advice from a young man who has never even once made a pass in my direction, has no desire for anything other than friendship from me can sit there and so quickly and easily blame it all on my is a bit bizarre.

So, in finally finding my voice I say to the young one, “I agree.  You’re 100% right on all accounts.  The problem is, I have no idea how to do what you’re suggesting.”  And the quizzical look he gave me showed me he didn’t believe me.

I tried to explain to him that, the time in life that most people figure out how to maneuver dating is in high school.  That’s where you should be cutting your teeth on learning the dos and don’ts about navigating romance.  I, however, wasn’t given that option.  My mother had me programmed to never see myself as attractive.  And God help any boy who even remotely found me so, as she’d figure out a way to run them off.  Whether it was forcing me to break up with them once summer hit because, “I was too young for something that long and serious” or talking a boy into breaking up with me because “I needed to focus on school and not boys” or manipulating all of my guy friends to act as body guards to ensure that no other boy ever looked at me as anything more than a friend.  And when all of that is happening without your knowledge, you learn to see yourself as nothing more than the friend.

This has continued into my adult life.  I can be at a party, gathering, event with single men, and while they might enjoy talking to me, and might laugh at my wit, they never ask for my number before they leave.  They never want to get to know me better.  They never pursue me.  So, in explaining this to the young one, he blatantly says, “Yeah, but that’s because you don’t seem open to it.  You have a logical way of looking at the world, compartmentalizing everything into a neat little box, so you aren’t open to being pursued.”  My best friend adds, “They can see your ‘Keep Out’ sign that is tattooed on your forehead.

And I’m baffled.  What the fuck are they talking about?  I have no idea what they’re talking about.  I had no idea that’s how I am perceived.  When I meet new people, I always try to just ‘be myself’ and I’m now realizing, that in doing that, I’m some how also giving off an unavailable vibe.  And i have no idea how or why that’s happened, so with all this very honest advice that I’m getting, as I sat at that bar staring at them, all I could think was, “What do I do with that?!?  How do I fix a problem I don’t even know I have?”  It’s not that I don’t believe them.  I’m sure they’re right.  I’m sure they’re telling the truth.  But how the hell do I fix it because I don’t see it?

I have no idea how to do things differently.  I have no idea what personality traits I”m supposed to hide, or which ones to make bigger.  I have no idea how to navigate this in any way, shape or form.  Mostly because when I do meet a guy I find attractive, I do try to get to know him, but the way I do it always lands me in the friend zone, so in addition to not knowing how to be pursued, I clearly don’t know how to pursue either.

And it occurred to me.  How is this completely all on me?  How is there not a guy out there who would see past the ‘keep out sign’ that is supposedly on my forehead? Back in the day, I’ve learned since my mother died, there were quite a few guys who wanted to pursue me, but didn’t for either fear of my mother or fear of my friends.  As an adult, only two men dared try to be with me, both not giving a crap about my mother’s tactics to run them off, but i was too obedient to choose them over her once the ultimatum was thrown down by her.

It’s been almost 24 hours since all this truth was laid at my feet, and still, I have no idea how to fix this problem.  No idea how to ‘be more open’.  No clue whatsoever.  Perhaps the curse of the friend zone is my fault.  But since I don’t know how to fix it, I guess it’s just going to have to stay as it is for now.  Maybe an epiphany will come to me.  Although, it does suck that being myself isn’t enough.  It does suck that who I am, who I know myself to be, and the things I like about myself aren’t enough.  That I somehow now have to figure out some way to be more.  I don’t know that I want to do that.  But I don’t want to be alone forever, either.

No breadcrumb, this time, sadly.  Instead, I fear this conversation and the emotions and frustrations that have come from it have led me down a new path of self evaluation that is taking me further away from the life I’m meant to have.  I probably should stop this path, and just go back…but I don’t know that I can just ignore it now that it’s out there.  Truth. What do I do with that?

I have no idea….

Ciao for now,

M

Is it ever too late?

Image

Photograph from artiden.com 

In working through my goals for 2014, I find myself much more in tune of the people around me, and their problems, their concerns, their joys, and their successes.  And in hearing their stories, I find myself doing even more self exploration than I should.  And one story I was told, earlier this week has really hit me hard, and honestly, has made me sad.

I have a friend, let’s call him Jack, who is currently engaged to a woman who, honestly, doesn’t make him happy.  And he feels like it’s too late to call off the wedding, even though he knowingly admits he’s not happy.  Is it too late?  Ok, wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.  Let’s go back to the beginning of this story.  Jack meets, we’ll call her Jill, on a dating website.  Things are great for a little while, but then she makes some career changes, and by changes I mean, quits work and goes back to school.  She’s focused on her studies, so much that her relationship takes a major back seat.  So much so, that I’d say the relationship isn’t even in the car.  I’d say that school is the copilot, her child is the backseat, and Jack, well, Jack is on the side of the road waiting for her to decide to pick him up whenever she damn well feels like it.  And it pisses me off.

Why, you might ask, am I so affected by the way Jill treats Jack?  Their relationship has nothing to do with me.  It shouldn’t affect me.  But it does, and it does because Jack is a good friend.  And more than that, he’s a good man.  A loving man.  A caring man.  An amazing father and provider.  He’s got an amazing body, is in good health, and is loyal to a fault.  He’s wonderful.  He’s what every woman hopes to find one day, and Jill friggin has him!  And she’s wasting him.  She’s taking advantage of all that is good about him because she knows he won’t leave.  He’s too nice of a guy to leave.

So, a year ago, things were really bleak for Jack and Jill.  Jack even mentioned breaking things off.  He had tried everything to get her to make him a priority.  He’d suggested everything from couples counseling, to time away together, anything in an attempt to make things better.  But she wouldn’t participate.  All of her actions were apparent, at least to this outsider, in that his happiness, and his needs were not her concern.  Not at all.  So, imagine my shock when at Christmas, he proposed to her.  I couldn’t believe it.  I thought, “Jack, what the hell are you doing?”  But he was sure this would make it better.  He was sure that now, surely, that she had obtained his ultimate commitment, and a gorgeous piece of hardware to wear on her hand, that his needs would be met.  They were, for a time.  But not that long of a time.  And then it cycled back to him being miserable.

And here’s how great of a guy he is: he doesn’t even let her see his misery.  He just goes to the gym to work out his frustrations, and leaves her to study and do whatever she needs to do.  He puts her happiness first at all times, and it’s so frustrating to see that he doesn’t get that in return.

So, fast forward to this week, and it’s been a bit since Jack and I had a long talk, as we’re only able to talk via work email, because she’s very threatened by my presence in Jack’s life, so he’s forbidden to call or text me.  So, I asked him in an email how things were going with the wedding planning, as it’s only a few short months away, and his answers broke my heart.  He said phrases like ‘i get sweaty palms just thinking about it’ and ‘don’t remind me’ and ‘I’m completely out of the loop’ and ‘it’s her show.’  So, being the brutally honest person that I am, I said to him, “Jack, it’s not too late to change your mind ya know.  If you’re not happy, and this isn’t truly what you want, then don’t do it.”

He responded simply with, “It’s too late.”

I said, “No, it’s not!  The wedding hasn’t happened yet!  You still have time, don’t do this to yourself if you’re not 100% sure!”  He said, “No, it’s too late.  Her family has bought plane tickets, the venue has been booked, her dad had knee surgery so he could walk her down the isle.  It’s too late.”

And I dropped it.

But that conversation has stuck with me so profoundly, because his reasons for it being too late were all about her.  He didn’t say, “It’s too late.  I’ve committed, and I love her, and I want to make this work.”  And to me, watching someone I care about deeply walk over broken glass into the fire, and do so voluntarily is heart wrenching.  Because if I was about to marry a man, and he was telling friends that he’s just marrying me because it’s too late to call it off…yeah, that’s not a marriage I’d want.

I wish him well, don’t get me wrong.  If he’s going to do this, I hope that it works for him.  I hope that at some point she puts his needs first.  I hope at some point that she takes a long hard look at the amazing man who has pledged his life to her and stop taking him for granted.  I hope she stops being the selfish person I see her being currently.  I hope all these things for Jack.  Sadly, hoping rarely makes things true.

But all of this had me thinking, is it really ever too late?  Are there bells you can’t unring?  And for Jack, he feels that it is definitely too late.  I disagree, but we all have to walk our paths.  But I will take this lesson I’ve learned in watching Jack and his selfish Jill head towards the altar, in that, when I get lucky enough to have another relationship, I will make sure to do so selflessly, and ensure that my new man be selfless as well.  If we each put the other first, how awesome would that be?  I don’t ever want to be selfish like Jill.  And I don’t want to make a great man, like Jack, feel unappreciated.  And if I were in Jack’s shoes, if I were in a relationship where I felt unhappy and unfulfilled, and dare I say it, bored (because that’s truly what he is.  He’s bored, she doesn’t inspire him at all), it would never be too late for me to end things for my own sanity.  As my best friend says, “No one is worth your sanity.  No one.”  And he’s right.

So, is it ever too later?  My answer for myself:Image

Ciao for now,

M