As February begins, I realize that blogging is something that makes me truly happy. I truly enjoy sitting down to write about my thoughts for the day. To tell the story of me in that moment, if you will. And low and behold, there is a wonderful blog created on wordpress with daily challenges. Check it out: Weekly Writing Challenge. And today, one of those photos in their challenge moved me. So, challenge accepted!
The picture above, well, let’s just add it again, shall we? This picture, now below, is a snapshot of where i am in my life right now. I’m standing still in an opening. What’s behind me, we can’t see. And that’s because the past is in the past and doesn’t matter any longer. Ahead of me looks to be pathways of light off on adjacent paths, whereas the path in front of me is filled with a darkness that I must enter if I want to stay on this path. Yeah, this picture may as well have been snapped inside my soul.
Where do I want to go? Stay on my path that I’ve chosen for 2014 and forge on, straight ahead? Even if it means into darkness? And what is that darkness exactly? Does darkness always have to be a metaphor for ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘scary’ or ‘dangerous’? Not for me it doesn’t. In fact, I look at that darkness as an escape! An escape from the constant need to have every single moment of my life planned out and controlled. To walk, confidently, into the unknown and trust, yes, trust that taking a chance on something you’ve never done that has neither security nor promise of success, both of which you’ve had no choice but to pursue for 15 long years.
The light off to the side is enticing, isn’t it? That just a few steps, and take a hard left, and out into the sunlight you go. Safe. Secure. Easily seen. Key word there, being ‘easily.’ I’m tired of easy. I’m tired of safe. I am ready, craving, no starving for the path less traveled. To find out what I could be if I just took a leap of faith.
To quote from Robin Williams from Dead Poets Society:
“To quote from Whitman, “O me! O life!… of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless… of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?” Answer: that you are here; that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?”
What will my verse be? What will my verse be? Will I find it in the light? Will I find it in the safe? Will i find it in the known? Have I already written it? Dear God and all that is holy, I hope not. I hope my verse is yet to be written. I look ahead, into this photo, and I hear my braver self talking to me, and she says, “No. No, M, it’s not in the light. It’s in there. It’s straight ahead into the unknown. It’s forward, the movement you’ve been prevented from taking for 15 long years, and now, now you’re free to move in any direction you like. Go forward, M. Go forward. Just take that first step. Embrace the fear. Embrace the dark. Make your own destiny!”
And that’s the key for me. Destiny. Fate. Il Destino! I thought my fate had been sealed the day my mother got sick, and I made the choice to give up my dreams for daughterly responsibility. And when her illness went on, year after year, with no end in sight, I figured my fate had been set. In fact, it occurs to me, as I look at this picture, that if I’d been shown this picture a year ago, I’d have seen that place as a sad empty place with only more darkness at the end. Perspective is a funny thing, isn’t it? Isn’t it interesting how life events will change your perspective on a static object? In July, my mother passed on, and I began the slow painful process of laying her to rest and finalizing her affairs so that I can get on with my life.
Although, as my main blog Who Ate My Breadcrumbs? explains, I am so far removed from the path I originally set for myself, I need to find my way back. Although, it’s as if, along the way, someone ate my breadcrumbs! My way back is not clear. So, when you don’t know which direction to go, the best thing to do is stand still. Take a look around. Make your next move with confidence. With determination. And that’s where I’m at right now. I’m trying to find my way out of the place my dutiful nature took me. I need to find my dreams again; find my hope again. And so, that is what this picture represents to me: Hope.
I vow to myself to remember that, while the journey is important, the destination must be a factor also. Though I don’t know for sure the specifics of my destination, I know that I want it to have the following:
In that order! And it’s a new concept for me to think about finding all that in a place I’ve never looked before. A place I’d never dare to look before while in my cage of daughterly duty. But, the cage has been placed outside, and I’m mere months away from being able to open the door and fly into the unknown with bliss and un-abandon! I’m terrified to do this. But with that terror comes excitement. And every day I get closer to tying up that last loose end, when I can take my first step towards my new life, and it’s exhilarating.
Join me on my journey into the fascinating darkness of unknown and watch as I discover what is really inside the unknown waiting for me.
Ciao for now,