I’ve dubbed 2015 the year of the body, in where I am finally going to fine tune mine back to something I can be proud of, something I no longer neglect, something I am no longer ashamed of. And the plan of attack is a combo of yoga, strength training, clean diet, and procedures. And no, not those types of procedures, I’m talking chiropractic, massage, acupuncture and meditation. And so far, so good, as we reach the end of the first month of January, but the emotional side of me wasn’t quite believing in my cause. I was carrying around some negative energy, so a friend of a friend is a reiki master, so I thought to myself, “Self…I don’t know what reiki is, but let’s give it a try!” So, I made the appointment and went on Friday.
Now, knowing me, you’re probably wondering why it took a few days to blog about this experience, well, that is because it rocked my world so badly, and I have had so much to think about, right this second is the first time I felt like I could articulate what I’m feeling.
So, for those of you not in the know, reiki is an energy reading and cleaning by a reiki specialist/master/guru/magic-person! And it friggin worked on me! When you get done, you get told things about yourself that no stranger should know. And without getting into he details of my very intense, very profound reading, let me just say it was life changing.
It reaffirmed a few health things i knew were going on. It also brought to life a few things about my upbringing that I’d repressed, one of which was based in the learning/conditioning/family way that I’d been taught when it came to elders. I was told from the time I could understand, by all the elders in my family, “You will find times that we make you mad, or do things you don’t agree with. You are going to get quite mad, and maybe think you want to say something about it, but I’m your (insert family member here, mom, grandpa, whatever), and you will not disrespect me, so, you can think it, but don’t you ever say it! If you say it, and I hear it, I will knock your teeth down your throat.” And, well, I believed them. So, I learned very young to keep my opinions to myself.
And what reiki did for me was let me know that even though I stayed silent all those times my grandfather’s behavior was abhorrent, or every time my mother was cruel, I was right in thinking they were wrong. I was right in knowing that the way they were behaving, the way they were walking the world was wrong. I was right in the opinions I silently carried all those years, because even when I vented to my friends, they’d betray me and tell my mother what I’d said. I had no outlet, and the silence got worse. I was right to have the thoughts I had about things going on around me. I was right to know in my heart that the way my mother wrapped her ENTIRE world around me was unhealthy. I was right to know that horribly tiny town was somewhere I never should have been, and I was right to apply to the best school in the country, and I was right to be angry with my mother for refusing to let me go. I was right to go after my passion, and I was right to finally find my calling and I was right to change my major, and I was right to not fight being disowned by my grandfather for it, because I was right in that he was a terrible, hateful man who never should have been in my life to begin with!
I was right to go home to care for my mother, but I was also right in my fear that she let me come home 5 years too soon. I was right to want a life of my own, and I was right to fall in love with a man and I was right to think it was wrong that my mother not only couldn’t be happy for me, but did everything in her power to destroy that relationship. I was right to cry so many nights in high school, wondering what was wrong with me that boys never liked me or pursued me, because something was wrong. She was wrong, in secretly keeping them from me and actively manipulating me with her classic “You don’t need a boyfriend you need to (fill in the blank with get to college/focus on college/get a good job/take care of me as you like).” Her fear of losing me and isolating me from the possibility of being anything more than her daughter was wrong! And I knew it! And I never said anything. Even on her death bed, I couldn’t tell the truth, because I’d been silent for so long.
Reiki let me know the silence wasn’t for naught. Because even though I was silent…I was right. And there is something calming and peaceful about that thought. There’s something comforting about it. There’s also something very sad about it. All those times I was too weak to stand up for myself within my own house, all the while fashioning myself a strong person is really sad to see. Realizing that, since i left that awful house I’ve always hated, I’ve continued to be silent on so many things. I don’t trust myself at all, and reiki opened my eyes to the fact that I’ve never trusted myself.
I’ve been reactive for so long, i don’t know how to be proactive. I don’t know how to do this without checking every detail of life with my mother before I make a decision. I don’t know how to do this life without her, and I am so mad at her because it was her job to teach me how to do this without her, and her fear of being alone created this isolating experience where we were so freakishly linked that i couldn’t make a move without her, and I still can’t! And I hate myself for it. At least I did….until the other night when a perfect stranger looked me in my face and said ‘You’re so intuitive and have amazing instincts and you should really trust yourself more, because you got this.’
So, in this year, the year of the body, I am going to start trusting myself. Start letting go of the things I can’t go back and change. Embrace the fact that I was always right and that it was ok that I was right. And remind myself that I no longer have to be silent about it.
The reiki-ing of my world opened it up in the most amazing way, and I am so grateful for it. I wonder what I’ll discover at my second session.
Breadcrumb very emotionally and eye opening-ly found.
Ciao for now,