Little Red Riding Hood, in Stephen Sondheim’s musical Into the Woods is the sweet innocent girl who gets who world turned upside down by the Big Bad Wolf, and after coming through the other side of that experience sings a song explaining how she’s smarter now than she was before she encountered the wolf. And as 2014 comes to a close, and 2015 is waiting in the wings to make its entrance, I’m looking back on the journey I took this year, on the breadcrumbs I discovered, on the ones that still elude me, and I think to myself, I know things now, many valuable things, that I hadn’t know before. So, let’s count them down shall we?
10) Real Estate is not something that is fun. Especially if you are the seller. I’ve never felt so violated as I did during the experience of selling my family home. The bank of the buyer literally has you bent over and will rape you as they see fit, for as long as they see fit, and as the seller you can’t do anything about it. It was such a horrendous experience, I don’t know that I’ll ever buy a piece of real estate again.
9) As strong as I knew I was, I’m actually a hell of a lot stronger than that, as this year kicked me around a lot and I managed to get up every single time. I used to blame my mother for the hard things in my life, and she’s been gone a year and a half now, so none of this is her fault. The house sell was her fault. The dealing with probate without any financial help because her selfish ass didn’t bother to have life insurance. But between cleaning out that house, packing and moving and unpacking twice, starting two new jobs, and starting my life over, and doing it all by myself is no small feat. And I did it. And I’m still standing.
8) Meeting new people is a wonderful thing, and sometimes those people bring level of clarity to a demon you’ve had your whole life and help you start to heal in a way you never expected.
7) Choices need to be made slower and more thoughtfully. I have been so used to living my life in a reactionary way, because I could never truly plan for things. I made that mistake with the last two apartments I’ve rented. Next time, I will not rush, I will be proactive and plan to make sure I end up somewhere I actually want to live.
6) Seattle is definitely not the place I’m meant to be. It is not home. I know this mostly because I thought there was a community waiting for me here that I didn’t have in the Tri-Cities. Not true. I was very wrong about that. The abundance of people who gave me shit the entire time I was home caring for my mother about ‘when are you coming back?’ and ‘i miss you so much, move back!’ have made very little effort towards hanging out with me. So, if I’m going to be mostly alone, I might as well be somewhere I actually want to live…and it’s not here.
5) Finally working for a huge company making a huge salary and feeling like I have a career now feels really good.
4) No matter where go, your demons and issues will follow you until you deal with them. I actively avoided therapy…might need to change that in 2015.
3) Even finding Sheldon the best home in the world doesn’t erase all the pain I feel from letting him go. I hate not having him here with me. Doing the right thing is rarely easy, and this was the right decision, and it almost killed me.
2) Holidays, like birthdays and Christmas, are really lame when you’r an orphan with no family. These times of year are meant to have presents and people celebrating with you, and that didn’t happen at all this year. So, the lesson I learned is that I will no longer celebrate them. Instead, there will just be another day in October, and a day in December that I don’t have to work. And in 2015, I will make sure to take myself on a fabulous spa day in October, and on an international vacation the last week of December. No reason to wallow in my solitude. Instead, I’ll just find a way to make them fun and less sad for this party of 1.
1) I didn’t focus on my goals I set out for myself in 2014, not by a long shot. I will reevaluate for 2015 and focus on the things I really want to change and not dwell on the things I didn’t do last year.
2014 didn’t bring the happiness I had hoped it would. I think that is because I was placing my happiness on external things/people/places/etc. I will not make that mistake in 2015.
I learned a lot in 2014, and will apply it to 2015. And hopefully, I’ll find that elusive last breadcrumb this next year.
Ciao for now,