Anyone who suffers from self esteem issues, or who is going through some sort of self-improvement physically has those days where you look in the mirror and thing, “Ugh. I’m hideous.” And I’m no exception.
However, lately, I’m having the opposite experience, and it’s kind of tripping me out. For example, I HATE to have my picture taken. I’m not photogenic. Never have been. It always takes hundreds of shots from random angles to get just one shot where I don’t look like quasimoto who has been on a drunken/drug induced bender for 18 days. And godless digital photography and all filters and tweaks one can make to photos. It’s helped me a ton. Anyway, I digress.
Whenever anyone wants to photograph me, I always say, “Oh no, I’m much better in person,” and I say that because that’s truly what I think. The live show is much better than anything anyone could catch on film. But it got me thinking, why is that? Why does the image of me captured through a lens not look at all like what I see when I look in the mirror, because in the mirror, I think I look pretty damn good. Is, somehow, my mirror broken?
Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s not looking too bad today? This chick! Or at least that’s what I will think when looking at my reflection and if it’s good enough I think, “I should snap a pic of me, I look great today!” Take a pic and look at it on my phone, and poof! Happy moment shattered as I look at the not so cute reflection staring back at me, and I’m baffled. I look back in the mirror, and things still look good. Is my mirror broken? Is my perception of myself so unbelievably off?
I’m not sure why this keeps happening to me, but it does. Often. Makes me think something is wonky in my brain. My friends compliment me a lot, my best friend especially. And I trust his opinion on all things, yet have a hard time trusting his assessment of my physicality because a photo doesn’t lie. But, neither does my bestie. Yet the two images don’t add up, so one of them must be lying. Or maybe it’s my self-loathing flawed moments that are lying.
Perhaps it boils down to photogenic vs. non-photogenic, and nothing more than that. But wow, would it be nice to just have a quick photo snapped and love how it looked. Perhaps when I get a better hold on my insecurities and remove them from my life, perhaps how harshly I judge myself in photos will lessen. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself still, and am happy with my progress so far. And maybe, just maybe, the way I’ll know when all my breadcrumbs have been found is when I can take a pic of myself and simply like the image I see staring back at me. Maybe.
The search continues….
Ciao for now,