I’ve started seriously practicing yoga. Joined a studio. Bought a matt and a grippy, aka yogi toes, towel. And have spent three days a week the past two weeks trying my hand at candlelight beginner yoga. And last night, in my sixth practice session, I struggled. I couldn’t focus. Couldn’t keep my mind clear and open. It constantly filled with minutia and stress and fear, causing my poses to be less than stellar. I strained through the twist sequence. I struggled through the balance section. And the core work threatened to kill me!
And then we got to the end. To the Shavasana pose, also called corpse pose. And in laying my hands out at my sides, and stretching my legs long, and centering back into even breathing as sweat dripped down my face, I heard my teacher, Gus, say the words “When you’re ready, release…”
And there may have been words after that, I don’t know, because I took a deep breath, exhaled, and released. And something in me, deep inside me, released, and I truly let go. I felt tears well up in my eyes under my closed lids, I felt my breath fully even out and happen with ease. I released a release I didn’t even know I needed. And it felt amazing.
I have been through so much over the past year or so, and I thought I’d let most of it go. But last night, I let go of something I didn’t know I was holding on to, and it made me wonder. What else am I holding on to? When will I sense it so that I can release it? What am I hiding from myself, or more honestly, what am I hiding from?
Now is my time to shine. Now is my time to explore. Now is my time to be anything I want to be, and yet I still feel so stuck most of the time. But not last night. Last night I felt free. Last night I felt release. And as I said, it felt good. And I want more of that. Line a glass of good wine, or an amazing orgasm…..I want more of that. I. Want. More. Of. That.
And damnit, I’m going to get it.
Ciao for now,