Don’t Be Needy! Or Do?

I’ve never thought this was a true statement: needy For me it was a punchline.  I hate, loathe, despise, and abominate needy women.  I find them pathetic, and useless, I mean, come on!  Stand on your own two feet!  Why do you NEED a man so desperately?  I have worked very hard to be a woman who would never be desperate or needy.  And I’ve unbelievably succeeded. However, the men I’ve met recently have all had the same constructive criticism on my personality:  we don’t work because you don’t need me.  WTF?

I wrote, earlier this year, in a post here called “I Can Do It Myself!” about an ex-boyfriend of mine who started this whole “you aren’t needy enough” bs line with me.  The excerpt said:

…He dated a woman after me, and even proposed to her.  They had decided to take a break, and he and I became good friends.  Platonic, good friends.  And one day I asked him why, through all the ups and downs with the woman after me, why would he put so much effort into her, when after we broke up, he wouldn’t even give me a second chance.  He, being the cowboy that he is said, “M, it’s like having two horses in a pasture.  One is stunning, and healthy, and independent, and sure, she likes it when you’re around, but she can find her own food, her own shelter, and she can take care of herself.  She doesn’t need me.  The other one, well, she’s got health issues, and she’s a little scared of life, and she’s more fragile, and she depends on me for food and shelter, and needs me to take care of her.  Which horse do you think will get more of my attention?”  He said it so matter of factly, I didn’t know what to say.  And I always know what to say.  I didn’t that day. So, what do I do?  Do I start being more needy?  

Do I have to erase this independent, take care of myself attitude in order to be cared for?  Maybe.

The reason I bring this back up, is I’ve been watching quite a few relationships that my friends are in lately, and they are all with needy women.  Seriously needy women.  And they fight for these women.  Put up with these women.  Do friggin everything for these women.  And these men are some of the most amazing men i’ve ever met.  And yet, I’m always single.  So, it made me wonder, are desperation and neediness attractive qualities and no one told me?  Do I need to be needy in order to have a man in my life? Why, when I feel like I’m so giving, loving, and stable, am I always alone.  Yet women who I see that are bat shit crazy, needy, manipulative, and even go so far as to use sex as a weapon, why do they always have men in their lives.  Is this really who I need to be to attract a mate in 2014?

Are there men out there who want a strong, independent woman?  Are there men out there who want a partner/lover/best friend all rolled into one and not a grown child they have to take care of because she has daddy issues?  Are there men who want a drama free relationship, or do they actually like the drama as much as the women like to create it?  I suddenly find myself silently singing the anthem from Footloose that the amazing Bonnie Tyler gave us waaaay back in the 80s.

Cuz where have all the good men gone, and where are all the gods?  Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?  Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?  Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need!   Oh, sing it ladies:

Where the hell is my hero? Wait, I just re-listened to that song and watched the video.  She’s totally the damsel in distress.  Ugh.  Apparently needy is in.  So where does that leave me? I’ll be pondering this one for a while.

Ciao for now,



3 thoughts on “Don’t Be Needy! Or Do?

  1. i don’t know who these men are but needy women bug the shit out of me. Needy people in general. But it is less about “needy” (which equals co-dependence) and more about “needs ME” (which equals interdependence).

    Its the same confusion that “nice guys” have about “assholes” . [immature] Girls are attracted to assholes because they exhibit confidence. It might be false bravado and it might, unfortunately exit his body in the form of abuse–this doesn’t excuse it–but what she sees, in her broken and immature way, is a MAN who doesn’t take shit from anybody. [mature] WOMEN, however, are attracted to confidence and in a healthy way she looks for a man who, despite his own brokenness, will take only enough of the shit that civility allows before drawing a line and standing up for what he believes. Even with his woman.

    Because he finds the right woman who is his both his equal and his complement. She is both like him and better than him and his confidence comes from knowing that he earns her respect every day. Not necessarily because he has all of his shit together or because he has the best abs or the nicest car or the most money but because she, as a WOMAN, does not need him, but looks at him and sees a partner who is human and fallible and passionate and works extremely hard to earn her respect and is mysteriously both equal to her and better than her….

    and it goes on.

    Because interdependence is about knowing how incomplete we are and searching the world for our counterparts–not with one person but with all people.

    As John Donne said : “Any man’s death diminishes me because I am involved in Mankind.”

    But love is knowing how incomplete another person is and filling in the spaces with our own incompleteness. And we just keep going, filling one incompleteness with another incompleteness so that the incompleteness never becomes emptiness,

    Never be needy. But never be afraid to need.

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