I got a little lost….

I know it’s been a while since I wrote anything, and that’s honestly because, on my hunt for breadcrumbs to find my way back to me, well, I got a little lost. I thought coming back to Seattle would be the beginning of a wonderful time for me.  A time of hope…a time of freedom…a time of understanding.  So, imagine my shock when I was immediately faced with more self-doubt, self-pity, and down right fear that I had made a horrible mistake.  I felt like all the time I was thinking I was headed out of the forest, that ultimately I was just stuck in another part of it.  And it was so dark and so thick, that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

I came across a John Skwiot art piece today, and it perfectly embodies how I have been feeling:

skwiot_dark-forest

So many questions ran through my head.  Would I always feel this way? Why aren’t things better?  What do you need to be happy?

I thought the answers were to fall in love.  And I tried, quite heroically I tried, searching another continent for my happiness.  But it wasn’t to be, I was left with no love, yet, a better understanding that I truly need to love myself first.  And I knew that already, but  thought I could shortcut it.  Sadly, the universe is not a stupid mistress, she knows exactly what I am up to all of the time, and so, back on to the path of self discovery I go.

I got another hard blow to my heart and ego when I had to face the harsh realization that I no longer was a good home for my dog.  My Sheldon, who I raised from 8 weeks old, a sassy little cardigan welsh corgi who I truly loved, well, he didn’t adjust to my move so well.  Apartment living was not fun for him.  And having him got really expensive for me.  His energy was so off, the little guy was hurting himself constantly on the weekends, and it was just too much.  I found him a wonderful new home, and I know he’s happy there, but it doesn’t make me feel like any less of an asshole for having to do it.  I shouldn’t have moved him here.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have moved here.  That question has lingered so strongly since my arrival, and I’m sad to say it has not dissipated.

The job I thought would be great, isn’t, as they’ve got me in a constant holding pattern, with no permanent appointment in sight, and I really need that.  Today I found out I have one interview set for the job, so hopefully things are headed in a better forward direction.  The complications of life have prevented me from writing every day, and my inability to juggle sent me into a downward spiral that was zero fun.

The apartment is lonely without Sheldon.  But I’m re-learning to be the only heartbeat in the house, and thing are starting to look up.  I feel like I’m sifting through the thick muck of the forest and finally making forward movement again.  And I have faith I’ll find my way again, because I’m back to being focused on finding my way again.  This blog post is the first major step.

Wish me well as I continue to figure out my place in this world.  Send your positive energy my way to find it.

Ciao for now,

M

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