Love While You Can….Please!

Love has been on my mind for quite some time, and it’s still there, but taking an interesting turn these days.  In an answer to my needy vs. not needy post, a song came across my iTunes and I’m sure I’ve heard it dozens of time before, but for whatever reason it really hit me hard today.

“Love whenever and wherever and however you should.”

This song is from a new play on Broadway called If/Then starting the great Idina Menzel and one of my favorite voices, La Chanze.  This song just slapped me in the face today, and I wanted to put it out there so I didn’t forget this feeling.  Love is friggin fantastic in all of it’s forms, so I need to stop waiting for and worrying about only the true kind, but instead, just be grateful for all the love in my life.

Take a listen….I don’t think you’ll regret it:

Ciao for now,

M

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Don’t Be Needy! Or Do?

I’ve never thought this was a true statement: needy For me it was a punchline.  I hate, loathe, despise, and abominate needy women.  I find them pathetic, and useless, I mean, come on!  Stand on your own two feet!  Why do you NEED a man so desperately?  I have worked very hard to be a woman who would never be desperate or needy.  And I’ve unbelievably succeeded. However, the men I’ve met recently have all had the same constructive criticism on my personality:  we don’t work because you don’t need me.  WTF?

I wrote, earlier this year, in a post here called “I Can Do It Myself!” about an ex-boyfriend of mine who started this whole “you aren’t needy enough” bs line with me.  The excerpt said:

…He dated a woman after me, and even proposed to her.  They had decided to take a break, and he and I became good friends.  Platonic, good friends.  And one day I asked him why, through all the ups and downs with the woman after me, why would he put so much effort into her, when after we broke up, he wouldn’t even give me a second chance.  He, being the cowboy that he is said, “M, it’s like having two horses in a pasture.  One is stunning, and healthy, and independent, and sure, she likes it when you’re around, but she can find her own food, her own shelter, and she can take care of herself.  She doesn’t need me.  The other one, well, she’s got health issues, and she’s a little scared of life, and she’s more fragile, and she depends on me for food and shelter, and needs me to take care of her.  Which horse do you think will get more of my attention?”  He said it so matter of factly, I didn’t know what to say.  And I always know what to say.  I didn’t that day. So, what do I do?  Do I start being more needy?  

Do I have to erase this independent, take care of myself attitude in order to be cared for?  Maybe.

The reason I bring this back up, is I’ve been watching quite a few relationships that my friends are in lately, and they are all with needy women.  Seriously needy women.  And they fight for these women.  Put up with these women.  Do friggin everything for these women.  And these men are some of the most amazing men i’ve ever met.  And yet, I’m always single.  So, it made me wonder, are desperation and neediness attractive qualities and no one told me?  Do I need to be needy in order to have a man in my life? Why, when I feel like I’m so giving, loving, and stable, am I always alone.  Yet women who I see that are bat shit crazy, needy, manipulative, and even go so far as to use sex as a weapon, why do they always have men in their lives.  Is this really who I need to be to attract a mate in 2014?

Are there men out there who want a strong, independent woman?  Are there men out there who want a partner/lover/best friend all rolled into one and not a grown child they have to take care of because she has daddy issues?  Are there men who want a drama free relationship, or do they actually like the drama as much as the women like to create it?  I suddenly find myself silently singing the anthem from Footloose that the amazing Bonnie Tyler gave us waaaay back in the 80s.

Cuz where have all the good men gone, and where are all the gods?  Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?  Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?  Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need!   Oh, sing it ladies:

Where the hell is my hero? Wait, I just re-listened to that song and watched the video.  She’s totally the damsel in distress.  Ugh.  Apparently needy is in.  So where does that leave me? I’ll be pondering this one for a while.

Ciao for now,

M

Release

I’ve started seriously practicing yoga.  Joined a studio.  Bought a matt and a grippy, aka yogi toes, towel. And have spent three days a week the past two weeks trying my hand at candlelight beginner yoga.  And last night, in my sixth practice session, I struggled.  I couldn’t focus.  Couldn’t keep my mind clear and open.  It constantly filled with minutia and stress and fear, causing my poses to be less than stellar.  I strained through the twist sequence.  I struggled through the balance section.  And the core work threatened to kill me!

And then we got to the end.  To the Shavasana pose, also called corpse pose.  And in laying my hands out at my sides, and stretching my legs long, and centering back into even breathing as sweat dripped down my face, I heard my teacher, Gus, say the words “When you’re ready, release…”

And there may have been words after that, I don’t know, because I took a deep breath, exhaled, and released.  And something in me, deep inside me, released, and I truly let go.  I felt tears well up in my eyes under my closed lids, I felt my breath fully even out and happen with ease.  I released a release I didn’t even know I needed.  And it felt amazing.

I have been through so much over the past year or so, and I thought I’d let most of it go.  But last night, I let go of something I didn’t know I was holding on to, and it made me wonder.  What else am I holding on to?  When will I sense it so that I can release it?  What am I hiding from myself, or more honestly, what am I hiding from?

Now is my time to shine.  Now is my time to explore.  Now is my time to be anything I want to be, and yet I still feel so stuck most of the time.  But not last night.  Last night I felt free.  Last night I felt release.  And as I said, it felt good.  And I want more of that.  Line a glass of good wine, or an amazing orgasm…..I want more of that.  I. Want. More. Of. That.

And damnit, I’m going to get it.

Ciao for now,

M

I got a little lost….

I know it’s been a while since I wrote anything, and that’s honestly because, on my hunt for breadcrumbs to find my way back to me, well, I got a little lost. I thought coming back to Seattle would be the beginning of a wonderful time for me.  A time of hope…a time of freedom…a time of understanding.  So, imagine my shock when I was immediately faced with more self-doubt, self-pity, and down right fear that I had made a horrible mistake.  I felt like all the time I was thinking I was headed out of the forest, that ultimately I was just stuck in another part of it.  And it was so dark and so thick, that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

I came across a John Skwiot art piece today, and it perfectly embodies how I have been feeling:

skwiot_dark-forest

So many questions ran through my head.  Would I always feel this way? Why aren’t things better?  What do you need to be happy?

I thought the answers were to fall in love.  And I tried, quite heroically I tried, searching another continent for my happiness.  But it wasn’t to be, I was left with no love, yet, a better understanding that I truly need to love myself first.  And I knew that already, but  thought I could shortcut it.  Sadly, the universe is not a stupid mistress, she knows exactly what I am up to all of the time, and so, back on to the path of self discovery I go.

I got another hard blow to my heart and ego when I had to face the harsh realization that I no longer was a good home for my dog.  My Sheldon, who I raised from 8 weeks old, a sassy little cardigan welsh corgi who I truly loved, well, he didn’t adjust to my move so well.  Apartment living was not fun for him.  And having him got really expensive for me.  His energy was so off, the little guy was hurting himself constantly on the weekends, and it was just too much.  I found him a wonderful new home, and I know he’s happy there, but it doesn’t make me feel like any less of an asshole for having to do it.  I shouldn’t have moved him here.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have moved here.  That question has lingered so strongly since my arrival, and I’m sad to say it has not dissipated.

The job I thought would be great, isn’t, as they’ve got me in a constant holding pattern, with no permanent appointment in sight, and I really need that.  Today I found out I have one interview set for the job, so hopefully things are headed in a better forward direction.  The complications of life have prevented me from writing every day, and my inability to juggle sent me into a downward spiral that was zero fun.

The apartment is lonely without Sheldon.  But I’m re-learning to be the only heartbeat in the house, and thing are starting to look up.  I feel like I’m sifting through the thick muck of the forest and finally making forward movement again.  And I have faith I’ll find my way again, because I’m back to being focused on finding my way again.  This blog post is the first major step.

Wish me well as I continue to figure out my place in this world.  Send your positive energy my way to find it.

Ciao for now,

M