Forgiveness is the Key

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photo courtesy of peacelovewings.com

There’s a song by Savage Garden (I really wish they’d reunite, btw) that has a line that goes “I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness.”  And lately I’ve come to realize that this is true.  Forgiveness.  So much power in one little word. Such a simple concept.  So, then, why is it so difficult to do?

I have many people I need to forgive in order to move forward, and that revelation is the latest bread crumb found on my journey to my new life.  It’s difficult when you sit down and list out the people who have hurt you in your life, and realize how many there are, and how many are still on your heart.  Let me step back, so…forgiveness is the key to my unhappiness.  How did I go about starting to forgive?

First, I sat down and made a list of people who had hurt me over the course of my life.  And sadly, it was a very long list.  I haven’t been treated well by many people.  And then, I went back over that list and crossed out the names who I had already forgiven, and that left me with a smaller, yet very powerful list.  Not because it was a reminder of all the hurt, but it was a revelation on how much I am still carrying around.  How am I to heal, if that many wounds are still open?  Answer:  I won’t.  It’s time to let them scar over.  It’s time to truly forgive, with the hope that I’ll be able to drop this dead weight on my heart, and move forward into happiness.

I need to forgive my parents, most of all.  Both of them.  Both human, both damaged on their own, and both selfish.  Both made choices that affected me, but it’s my decision if that affectation is permanent.  Childhood friends who treated me like crap, ex-loves who didn’t love me as I loved them, ex-coworkers who chipped away at my spirit.  Again, all their actions affected me, but it’s my decision if the effect is permanent.  And most importantly, me.  I’m harder on myself than anyone could be; allowing others’ opinions of me to sometimes shape how I see myself.  I haven’t taken care of my heart in a healthy way up to now, and it’s my decision if I want to continue that way or forgive myself…forgive all these people.  And I choose to forgive.  

Honestly, it’s just words right now, but I know, with enough affirmation (ha!  That’s the name of the Savage Garden song the quote is from!  Love it when that spontaneously happens!) this forgiveness will become real.  It will become truth.  It’s just a matter of time.

Wish me luck!

Ciao for now,

M

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Silence of the Trees

Silence of the Trees

Growing up, I hated nature. Loathed it. Wanted nothing to do with it. Hated being outside. The sunshine made me angry. The heat made me cranky. I found no peace in anything outside. I now know, that was conditioning by my mother, because SHE hated nature and wanted nothing to do with it. So, there was no way she was going to encourage me to enjoy being outside.

Now that she’s gone, and my life is my own, I find myself craving to be surrounded by nature. The heat no longer bothers me like it did. The sun no longer irritates me. And trees, something about trees bring me a serenity I didn’t know could exist.

I’m working on my spiritual side as much as my physical and mental sides, and meditation has become so valuable to me. And I am finding, meditating when out in nature is so much easier and so much more effective than trying to do it in my apartment.

I came across this quote/photo, and it spoke to me. Finding the silence in the trees allows me to quiet my mind in an epic way. I forget the stresses and frustration that cloud my mind during the day, and just listen. LIsten to the heartbeat of the trees and the sounds of the birds and just, simply breathe.

I would never have been able to experience that in the tower that was my childhood home. Now that I’m free from the tower, I’m learning that nature is good. Nature is calming. Nature is what I never knew I always wanted.

Now, mind you, it’s intimidating. I haven’t ventured too far into it, as I’ve realized, if something went wrong, if I got hurt, if I got lost, I truly don’t have the survival skills to be completely one with nature. But I’m working towards that. I plan to do a lot of hiking over the summer, both with Sheldon and on my own. I will be reaching out to my nature loving friends for advice, for guidance, and to join me in my journey to exploring this side of living that I never cared about before.

I’m looking forward to learning more.

Ciao for Now,

M

Love Someone

Love. Such a strange and wonderful feeling, isn’t it? As Jason says in this song, “When you love someone, it comes back to you.” And it has me thinking about where I’m at in my journey. And of all the things I want, Love is silently, and subtly moving to the top of my list. It’s been so long since I’ve been loved, truly romantically loved. And I’ve been reminded so many times lately how, by those that I have loved in the past, while still in my sphere, no longer love me. Perhaps they never did. But even if they did, they all love other people now. Why do I yearn for those lost loves? Is it because they are worth longing for, or is it because I don’t have a new love to take me to a new, better place? A little of both, would be my guess. And then it hit me, even if one of these past loves wanted me right now, I’d screw it up. And the reason for that slapped me in the face hard tonight after a phone call to one of these past loves.

Why would they love me when I don’t love myself? Cuz I don’t. That’s hard to say out loud for me. Harder to type here for all the world to read. But this blog, this is the place I must be truly honest with myself. Otherwise, I will never find all the breadcrumbs necessary to find my happiness. And the truth is, I sooooooo don’t love me anymore. Did I ever?

A lot of that comes from the conditioning of my mother who always reminded me that I am not lovable by anyone but her. Other parts of it come from the slew of men in my life, both as a teenager and in present day, not to mention all the years in between where none of them wanted me romantically. They just wanted friendship. Perhaps it is because I’ve never truly loved myself. Why would anyone love someone who felt they were unlovable? Answer: they won’t.

In all the work I’m doing with the law of attraction, it’s so simple. If I believe I’m unlovable, no one will love me. I’ll continue to attract friendship only. And if the lyrics in this song are true, then perhaps the someone I need to love is myself.

It’s wonderful incentive to make some changes. I’m not sure how all those changes look at the moment, but when I find them, I know I’ll be that much closer to true happiness.

In the meantime, I’ll listen to the genius works of Mr. Mraz to help remind me that if you love someone, then it will come back to you. Cuz I want that great love that I’ve never had. But no use in it arriving if I’m not ready to receive it. So, time to take the steps necessary to get ready for it. Cuz, “When you love someone, your heart, beat beats so loud. When you love someone, your feet can’t feel the ground. Shining stars all seem to congregate around your face. When you love someone…it comes…back….to you.” And I am so ready for it to come back to me.

Ciao for Now,

M