From the Tower to the Sanctuary

I know it’s been quite a while since I posted anything.  There’s a good reason for that.  It’s because I was stepping out of my last chapter and into my new one.  And there wasn’t time to sit and write until today.  And I’m so excited to share this with you guys.

I’ve finally moved forward!  I have finally stepped out of the tower that imprisoned my past and am heading, face first, into the glorious future that is mine!  100% mine!  And that level of accountability is no joke!

When I started my 2014 goals, I didn’t expect to be so far along in five short months.  There have been hiccups, and obstacles, and roadblocks, and frustrations, but I’ve come through them all.  A little battered…a little more scarred…a little more exhausted.  But you know what?  I also came out a little stronger.  Hell, a lot stronger!

The house I grew up in sold.  Someone else wants it, allowing me to finally move back to the last city I was truly happy in, where I made the last decision just for myself, before my daughterly duty took over.  And fittingly, my new apartment complex is called The Sanctuary.  And that is what this place will be for me.  It will be the place I start over.  The place I recharge.  The place I regroup.  And the place I truly focus on what I want out of this life; this ever precious life.  And of all the things I want, happiness is at the top of the list.

I grew up frustrated with my surroundings.  Hating that house from the time I was old enough to know better, walking from it at 18 felt good on a level I can’t put words to, but freedom often is tough to explain.  I had five solid years of freedom, and then, just as I was on the precipice of really spreading my wings to fly, my mother, in the expert way only she could, clipped my wings with one sentence.  “I’m in end stage kidney failure.”  Being the dutiful daughter I was, my dreams were instantly squashed; my drive instantly haulted; my light instantly extinguished.  

I stayed in my city for another eight years, but when she got worse, my chains got shorter.  I moved back to the town I loathed, and gave my mother everything she ever wanted: me at home with a ‘good job’.  She could see me whenever she wanted, and I, unknowingly, was like Rapunzel who, even though she finally got out to see a bit of the world, was being pulled back, strand by painful strand, into the tower, whether she wanted to go or not.  

Looking back now, and doing the work I’ve been doing with literature from amazingly inspirational people like Lisa Nichols and Jack Canfield, I realize that, I wasn’t being pulled back by a manipulative mother.  I chose to go back.  I need to write that again so that I fully embrace it.  I CHOSE to go back.  I chose duty over freedom.  I chose my mother’s needs over my own.  And I need to embrace that and stop blaming her for my choices.  There’s an amazing breadcrumb to find, if ever there was one!

So, back in the tower I chose to stay until the tower sold.  And as my best friend pointed out, I could have just put my clothes, and my dog in the car and left, but i chose to stay.  So, choosing to stay came with so many challenges.  Cleaning out 61 years of Solano history out of the house and garage all by myself…packing up my entire life to move somewhere new….deciding where to move to…working with a realtor and dealing with all the stress that comes with keeping a house show ready…being worked over by the buyer’s bank over and over again during the selling process…closing delay after delay….realizing how little of the money you actually get to keep….moving before the closure of the sale and living off credit cards…adjusting a dog to apartment living and jerking him out of the only home he’s ever known.  Yeah, these all sucked.  But I chose it.  I attracted all of this to me.  I had to go through all of that to get here.

To get the call at 4pm, that the buyer arrived to sign the paperwork.  That the sale would close today!  That the money would be to me tomorrow.  That I’m finally done!  I’m finally out of the tower!  The tower is no longer mine to be trapped in, no longer mine to deal with, no longer mine.   Period.  And it feels so unbelievably good.

This freedom, this unbelievably delicious, beautiful freedom that I have been craving for years, yet wouldn’t choose to take for myself, I can finally take.  And I can take it with the knowledge that I was the best daughter ever!  That I didn’t desert family when it got hard, or when she got mean, or when I was so miserable, that they only way out seemed to die right along with her.  That I’m a good person, whose shadow days are behind her.  

All the choices were always mine.  I just didn’t see it.  I see it now.  And now, for the first time in 15 years, I choose me.  I choose happiness.  I choose life!  And I plan to live it hard and wild.  I plan to take the chances I never thought I could take before.  I will no longer have ‘have-tos’ in my life.  Only ‘want-tos’ will be in my reality.

As angry as I’ve been at her, I need to thank her, and the insane, awful ancestors who came before her, because they helped shape the woman I am today.  A strong woman who didn’t break under all the pressure of the last 15 years.  A woman who will celebrate her scars with pride.  Who will transform the negative into something positive and make a mesmerizing life from here on out.  I thank them for my strength.  I carry it with me every day.  Literally, on my arm is a chaotic circle with Forza in the middle.  Forza!  Italian for strength, that is me.  I had strength in the chaos.  

The tower is sold.  I’m out.  I’m free.  And now, it’s time to spread those wings I’ve spent the past 15 years re-growing.  No one will clip me this time.  

It’s my time to fly!

Ciao for now,