A Letter to Myself

Dear M,

I’m worried about you.  I’m walking this journey with you and watching you misstep after misstep, and I’m worried about you.  We’re coming up on two years since your mom died, and even though your zip code is different, you are stuck in the exact same spot you were in before she died.  You promised yourself that you’d do a better job of this thing called life, and you promised her you would be ok.  Are you?  Are you ok?  Cuz from where I’m standing it doesn’t look like it.

All the things you thought were keeping you from happiness you convinced yourself were because you had to give up your life to be a good daughter.  You blamed it all on  your mom.  You convinced yourself that happiness would be waiting for you after she was gone, and I don’t see that happening for you.  You’re still not happy, and I’m wondering when you’re going to get it together and go after the things that you’ve always been passionate about.  When are you going to stop just existing and start living?  When?

I know your biggest fear has always been ending up exactly like your mom, and I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, sweetie, but you’re definitely on that road.  Your health is taking the same road hers did, because she ignored her health in her 30s as well.  And look what happened to her.  Do you want your kidneys to fail?  Do you want to get diabetic myopathy in your stomach?  Do you want heart disease and failing vision all before you turn 50?  Do you? Because the way you’re going, it’s going to happen. And newsflash, you don’t have a daughter to give up her life to take care of you, so unless you want to navigate insurance, social workers, disability, dialysis and doctors’ offices alone, I seriously suggest you get a grip on your health.

And your job, no it doesn’t feed your soul at all, but it does pay the bills, really well.  So, stop being afraid of the game, and just jump in and deal with it until your books start to sell.  Don’t dwell on all the things that are wrong with it, and focus on the fact that in this economy, in this ridiculously expensive city, you have a really good paying job supporting a boss who is pretty easy to work for and you have it pretty good.  And accept that this isn’t your career.  You’re not stuck there!  You’ve never been stuck in any job!  You’ve always moved to a better situation when you put your mind to it, so do what you need to do to get to the best situation for yourself, and it’s ok if hanging out in this job until books start to really sell happens!

Stop stressing over shit you can’t control.  Stress is a legitimate thing that makes your body hang on to its weight, causes your headaches, drives you to eating unhealthy, and keeps you so exhausted that your social life is practically non-existent.  You don’t feel good enough about yourself to go out in public, and how sad is that?!?  Figure out what you truly don’t like about yourself, and change the things you can, and accept the things you can’t!  Stop throwing money after foolishness, stop trying to find fad diets and the latest nutrition craze and get back to the basics.  Go to krav maga.  Eat clean.  Take your vitamins.  Drink you water.  It’s not that fucking complicated, yet you manage to fuck it up all the time!  Enough is enough!

I love you enough to give you the tough love few will give you.  And I know it’s tough to read this, I’m sure you’re crying as you do, because I’m crying as I type it.  I want you to remember how strong you are.  I want you to remember that there have been numerous times in your life when you have overcome major obstacles.  There have been goals that you set your mind to and did not stop until you achieved those.  They all usually were around escaping places you didn’t want to be or beating out someone to be the best.  Well it’s time to muster up that gumption and apply it to the here and now.  Figure out what you want and go after it 100% and do NOT stop until you achieve it!  Don’t accept anything less from yourself than you’d expect from someone you love!

What would you be saying if one of your students came to you with the complaints about their life that you have about yours?  You’d tell them to get it together, figure out what they want, and not stop until they got it!  You’d tell them to be brave and strong and remember that no one hands you anything in this life, so they need to go take it!  So, my darling, why can’t you do that for yourself.

You support everyone around you, all of the time, and I know you feel so alone, now that your mom is gone.  She was fantastic at always being the one you could talk to, but she’s gone, so you have to do this yourself.  You always wanted to do everything yourself growing up, remember?  Do you think that was a coincidence?  It wasn’t.  It was a gift from above so that when you got here, to this moment, where you’re scared and weak, that you’d be reminded of how many things you did on your own without help.  You are capable of figuring out your life on your own.  You are smart.  You are driven.  You are strong.  So stop hiding.  Stop running.  Stop being so damn weak!

My advice to you is this:

1. Write every day.  Write the things you love every single day and never sacrifice that.

2. Respect your body every minute of every day.  Move it.  Fuel it.  Hydrate it.  Give it enough rest.  Stimulate it with activities.  Don’t allow it to continue on the path it’s on.  Make the change for good!  And make it now.

3. Widen your circle.  Go to events you are scared to go to.  See theatre alone.  Go to movies.  Explore your neighborhood.  Strengthen old friendships.  Cultivate new friendships.  Create the community for yourself that you so desperately are craving.  Don’t wait for it to find you.  Go find it for yourself!

4.  Stop living in chaos!  You’ve never been good at chores, and that has to stop.  The chaos and mess around you is impacting you!  Streamline your life.  Get rid of the stuff you don’t need.  Simplify.  Purge.  Keep only what you truly need.  Clean up your world from the inside out, starting with the condo.

5.  Let go of your past.  Stop comparing and contrasting to where you thought you’d be at this point in your life versus where you actually are.  You’re exactly where you should be, and you know where you want to go.  What came before is over.  You gotta let it go so you can move forward.  Until you drop all this baggage you’re carrying with you, moving forward is going to take so long, because that’s too much for any one person to carry.

No one loves you as much as I do, and I know you don’t believe that.  But I do.  I really do love you.  It would be great if you embraced that as fact.  You’re amazing, always have been.  You just forgot it along the way.  Time to remember, M.  Time to remember.

This letter is now here for you to read whenever you need a reminder of the fact that you got this!  You can do this!  I believe in you, and that’s all you need!  So once and for all, no excuses, no justifications, no more failing.  You know what you need to do to get happy and healthy.  So do it!  NOW!

Ciao for now,

M

I Am Published!!!

It’s been a while since I wrote here, mostly because I’ve been focused on one goal:  getting published as a fiction writer!  I have been terrified to put my work out there because you never know how it will be received, and there was a big part of me that worried that no one would like my work.  But guess what?  I was so very wrong!

I wrote a romance novel.  And I love it!  I think it’s quite good, and I finally got up the courage to self-publish a digital version on Amazon.com’s Kindle Direct Publishing.  Here’s the cover:

HALF Cover

My book follows the story of the romance between Alexandra Orsini and Clayton Michaels:

Alexandra Orsini loved her life in Seattle. Owner of her own financial advisory firm, enjoying all of the spoils the city has to offer, the last place she expected to be was on a ranch in the middle of Wyoming. But when her mentor calls in a favor to ask her to help out his oldest friends save their ranch called Michaels Mob, she simply can’t say no. 

Alex was ready to help a failing business, was ready for the challenge of the mid-western countryside, but she was not ready for Clayton Michaels. An angry cowboy, and father of two, seems hellbent on saving his ranch on his own. He got his family into this mess, and he’s too proud to let anyone help him, let alone some big city accountant who knows nothing of life on a ranch. 

Urban passion meets country pride in this story of family, devotion, and love. Can the cowboy get out of his own way to let the city girl help him? Will the fire that ignites between these two burn bright enough to save the Michaels Mob, or will it burn it to the ground?

People are buying my book.  Just a few people, but that’s how it starts!  And one person even reviewed it and said:

Great story, enjoyed the characters kept me interested will be reading the others in the series!! Recommend you read this book.

And the best part is the reviewer is a complete stranger!  People are reading it as a purchased kindle download, and others are reading is as part of their Kindle Unlimited subscription.  It’s amazing!

Others have asked for an actual physical book to purchase and I’m working on that.  But at the end of the day, I have a published book!  I did it myself!  I made it happen for myself!  I stopped being afraid to put myself out there and just did it!  And so far, it’s been well received.  And most importantly, it’s invigorated me to keep writing and work hard to do whatever it takes to become a professional writer!

If you’d like to read my book, you can order it here:  Have A Little Faith

Super important breadcrumb found!

Ciao for now,

M

Stronger…Whatever It Takes!

Nothing will make you realize how out of shape you are like a KMS Bag class.  It’s hard.  It’s so hard.  It pushes you physically, but more than that, it pushes you mentally.  I’ve got three classes under my belt now, and one thing has remained the same through each class for me:  I’m stronger than I think I am…and I’ll do whatever it takes to finish!

kmshiit

And it’s funny, you know, the thoughts that go through my mind when I hit those moments during class where my muscles are burning, my breath is shallow, and I feel like I’m going to puke.  With that level of exhaustion you’d think I’d be thinking, “Stop!  Quit!  Enough!”  But I don’t.  Those thoughts don’t even enter my mind.  Instead, what I think is, “One more!  Don’t Quit!  No Pain!”

I actually hear Rocky’s trainer from Rocky IV, when Rocky is training in Russia, and he’s doing that insane exercise where he’s holding on to a table, with only his shoulders resting on the table, and he’s slowly and with epic control lowering his feet to the table in slow, methodical reps, and the trainer just says calmly, “No pain.”  He says over and over with intense control, “No pain.”  And that’s what I hear in my head when I’m struggling to do one more rep, to punch one more time, to throw one more kick!  All I can think is, “No pain!  Finish!”  How fitting that the soundtrack under that scene is called Hearts on Fire.  And that’s how I feel during class.  It’s hard!  Really hard!  And yet it’s the most amazing thing, because I’ll do whatever it takes to finish!

And you know why I think that?  Well, it’s twofold.  The first is because, and I can’t believe how much I truly had forgotten this fact, but I’m a tough bitch!  When I set my mind to something, I truly can do anything.  No matter how much it hurts, no matter how long it takes, no matter how much I sacrifice, I will achieve my goal!  But the second, and the most powerful piece for me is that it’s the culture at KMS.  They make me want to push harder, hit harder, finish as hard as I possibly can.  They make me want to make them proud as much as make myself proud.  It’s a place of positivity, of encouragement and of community.  And to finish a class and have everyone congratulating each other for killing it out there, well, that’s just something amazing to be a part of, and I’m so grateful for every class.

kms200The last two days I haven’t taken a class, because my work schedule doesn’t line up for me to take a class.  And I find myself missing it.  I’m looking forward to noon tomorrow when I get to go hit stuff again!  I find my self getting into fighting stance while waiting for the elevator, or standing in line at the grocery store.  It’s pretty awesome.  It’s only been a week, but I already feel like I’m a part of KMS.  And when I signed up, I’m the 200th member, which was such a cool thing for both me and the owners!  It’s a big milestone for them, and a huge moment for me.   Every experience I have in this place just shows me that I found the right place at the right time, because I feel so good when I get there and even better when I leave!  If you like to hit stuff, and want a good workout, and you live in Seattle, you really should come join me!  I dare ya!

Ciao for now,

M sm

Krav Maga…aka, Awesome Workout aaaaaaaand I Got to Hit Stuff!!!!!!

Ikms-logon following through with my plan to check out Krav Maga Seattle, aka KMS, I got up early, ate a healthy breakfast in plenty of time to let it digest before I headed down to the gym.  It was really easy to find, and there was plenty of free street parking.  I walked in, was instantly greeted by Ally, who helped me get set up for my free week trial (this is usually $20, but there’s a special going on right now where the trial week of unlimited classes is free!  Can ya say kismet??) and I took a seat and watched the final few minutes of Krav Maga 2 class, and holy friggin wow!  That class was no joke!  The amount of self defense, combat training, and technique going on amongst these amazing athletes blew my mind!  I decided to just watch the Krav Maga level 1 class today, but was planning on taking the KMS Bag class, which I’ll get to soon.

So, Krav Maga Level 1….yeah, not for the faint of heart!  The pre-workout, good gawd, I got sore just watching the class.  And after about 10 minutes or so, they all partnered up and started working on punches.  There was every kind of body type, fitness level, skill level, and intensity out there.  The first timers to the class were well instructed and people were so willing to help them do things correctly.  The veterans were friggin inspiring.  One chick in particular, she had dreads and a black bandana and she was a beast!  Her technique was impeccable, her focus was formidable and her intensity was inspirational!  They moved on from punches, to working on knee strikes.  They then worked on getting out of a hold if someone grabs you around the neck from the back and tries to choke you.  I just loved everything I saw, and can’t wait to take my first level 1 class.  Ally taught the class with help from a few other instructors, with the owners keeping watch and shouting out words of encouragement and inspiration throughout.  Everyone gave 110% in that class, and it was a powerful thing to watch!

An hour after that I checked in, grabbed a pair of boxing gloves from the loaner bin, and headed to the mat for my first KMS Bag class.  And Chau, one of the owners started us off.  We all grabbed a jump rope and jumped for 5 minutes.  That doesn’t seem like that long, but when you haven’t jumped rope since the 80s, yeah, it was so long!!  I instantly realized how out of shape I am, but I fought through the pain.  Fought through the burn.  And lasted the full 5 mins.  After that, we did some across the floor work, engaging our core, warming up the entire body.  I felt slow, and weak, but I pushed through.  Then, Ally took over the class and we strapped into our gloves and all grabbed a heavy bag.  And that’s when the magic happened for me!  Not only was my body already sweaty and exhausted, but it was invigorated and craving more!  And this is what I was craving!  I got to hit on the heavy bag!

Working in 2-3minute intervals on different punches, it felt so good to get back to working on a heavy bag.  My body instantly remembered the form I need for accurate, effective punches.  I heard my grandfather’s voice in my head telling me to center, engage my abs, use my hips, keep the punches at shoulder level, and exhale.  And I did.  And it felt great!  All was well until we had to drop down and do sit-ups, and that quick change of level send the first wave of nausea and dizziness.  Coming off of 65 days without sugar made it tough because my body was low on fuel!  My pace may have been a lot slower than the rest of the class, but ya know what, I didn’t quit!  I went at my pace, but I didn’t quit!

I got back up and pushed through.  More dizziness came.  More nausea.  The coaches checked on me, I slowed my pace, but I didn’t quit.  And somehow, at the end of class, I was able to complete a pyramid series of punches, roundhouse kicks, and splays and did so without puking all over the gym!  It hurt.  It burned.  My brain and muscles were screaming for me to stop.  But my heart was too far into it.  My soul was too hell bent on finishing.  I remembered that I have the word Forza, which means Strength in Italian, on my arm for a reason!  I am stronger than I’ve been lately.  I am one tough bitch when I want to be, and I was NOT going to give up!  And when I finished, not only was I so proud of myself, but all the coaches gave me high fives and congratulations!

For the first time, in a long time, I felt so welcome somewhere new.  It felt like I finally found a place I belong!  And even though my heart was pounding out of my chest, I was breathing harder than I have in a long time, and my entire body was shaking, I felt such elation, I can’t even tell you!

I am going to finish out the free week, cuz why not, but I can tell you right now, I’m already a member of KMS.  I am so stoked to workout at this place 5 days a week.  And the best part, it’s friggin walking distance from my office!  No excuses!  This was meant to be on so many levels.

I got to my car, checked in with my best friend so he would know I survived.  And then, I cried.  I cried a release of tears I didn’t know I needed to cry.  The release I got today from all the tension I have been carrying around for the past 6 years finally felt like it was letting go of me.  The weight I’ve been carrying felt lighter.  Yes, I’ve tried yoga.  Yes, I’ve tried diets.  But none of that gave me the endorphin rush, the fulfillment, and the sense of personal accomplishment that this KMS Bag class gave me today.  Some people run. Some people yoga.  Some people crossfit.  Me?  I like to hit stuff.  I like to spend an hour with a heavy bag. I like to learn to defend myself while getting fit.  I’ve found the place that is going to help me reach all my goals, both fitness wise and nutrition wise.  How’s that, you might ask?  Well, because they have a nutritionist there that I am going to work with to ensure I’m fueling and recovering properly for this level of pushing my body.

I more than found a breadcrumb today.  I found a lost piece of myself that I’d forgotten about, and was so ecstatic to find.

Ciao for now,

M sm

You Gotta Listen!

So, one of the things I do to keep myself grounded and healthy is to do Reiki.  I have a wonderful woman who performs Reiki on me, and I truly do love it.  (If you’d like her details, let me know).  Anyway, of all my sessions, one thing she says to me every time is, “Your spirit guides are always trying to guide you and give you hints, and you ignore them.  You need to listen to that voice inside you that is trying to guide you.  Yet, you discard things that show themselves to you every day, and if you’d stop doing that, and pay attention to those things, it would help you find what you’re looking for.”

And I believe that she’s right.  However, hard habits are tough to break.  So, that being said, I’ve been trying to listen to that little voice more, and pay attention to signs around me.  And holy crap, if it isn’t working!

The past two weeks have been tough for me on this crazy high protein diet I’ve been on.  I’ve had no interest in eating.  I haven’t felt well.  I’ve been moody and cranky.  I have had no energy, and have been battling myself with wanting to quit.  I’ve been arguing with myself because I saw the urge to quit as a weakness.  As my giving up on a tool that will help me lose weight and get to a healthier, slimmer me.  I didn’t want to quit yet another diet.  I wanted to finish what I started.

But no matter how often I argued, that little voice inside got louder and louder.  And it wasn’t saying ‘eat junk food’ or ‘you need to stop!’.  When I took a breath and listened, what it was saying is, “This isn’t the right path for you.  It got you started, which is great.  But it’s time for you to move!”  And that’s what I’ve been feeling.  I am really wanting to workout, and this diet plan doesn’t allow for that.  And while it’s an extreme fix for an immediate health concern, I really need a plan that allows me to move!  And I heard my body loud and clear on this yesterday.

I had to carry a bunch of stuff from one building to another at work yesterday, and by the end of the day my arms were so sore.  I’m not used to being that weak!  I’m not used to getting out of breath from a 10min walk, slightly uphill from my car to my office.  While I might be getting thinner, I’m definitely NOT getting fitter, and I’ve been feeling this way for a few weeks.

Now, on my social media newsfeeds, one thing kept popping up over and over again.  A link to  Krav Maga Seattle.  It’s been everywhere, and last night, I clicked on the link.  And something told me that this is where the next phase of my path to a better, healthier me is supposed to go!  Not only do they teach Krav Maga, which I’ve always wanted to try, but they offer heavy bag classes, HIIT training, and yoga!  It’s like one stop shopping for all the workout types I love.  And as many struggles as I’ve had lately, being able to smack the crap out of a heavy bag as many times a week as I need/want to, sounds awesome!

I spent last night soul searching.  Should I shift from Ideal Protein to Krav Maga?  Is this the right move for me?  I emailed my doctor, who of course wants me to stay on Ideal Protein.  is convinced that’s what I need to do.  And when I woke up this morning, this horoscope was waiting for me:

ths

My hope is that my doctor only has my health in mind, but that is one expensive diet plan, so that may be a motivator as well.  Either way, my gut is telling me it’s time to find a better solution.  One where I sweat!  one where I eat balanced meals for every meal.  One where I feel good every day and not bored, frustrated, weak, and lethargic!  I’m not abandoning my plan to get healthy.  I’m just changing my course of how to get there!

My first class is on Saturday. And I’m really excited to start this new journey.  I am going to listen to the that inner voice.  I’m not going to regret changing my mind or tactic!  If nothing else, this journey is teaching me to trust myself more.  That’s what my Reiki Guru is always telling me.  To trust myself more.  So, that’s what I’m going to do.

Breadcrumb definitely found!

Ciao for now,

M sm

What Do I Do With That?!?!

Sitting around a table at a dive bar with two men, one of whom is young, and the other is a little older  than I am, the subject came around to dating, mostly discussing the young one’s dating life, because as he’s young and pretty, has the most active dating life at the table.  I made a comment about my lack of dating life, and how I’m cursed to always land in the friend zone no matter what, and this is where the unsolicited free advice started.

“I would argue that you get friend zoned because that’s where you put yourself,” said the young one.  And as I blinked at him, he added, “You’re a beautiful woman, and my guess is that you don’t believe that.”  He’s not wrong.  I don’t see myself that way.  Never have.  And again, before I could respond, he goes, “You’re really fun to be around and one of the most interesting people I’ve met, and so I think in order to not get friend zoned, you’re going to have to open yourself up more.”

As my best friend, the older, and wiser one at the table just cackled, I couldn’t help but squint at the young one, because these are almost the same verbatim words that my best friend has said to me on numerous occasions.  Additionally, getting this advice from a young man who has never even once made a pass in my direction, has no desire for anything other than friendship from me can sit there and so quickly and easily blame it all on my is a bit bizarre.

So, in finally finding my voice I say to the young one, “I agree.  You’re 100% right on all accounts.  The problem is, I have no idea how to do what you’re suggesting.”  And the quizzical look he gave me showed me he didn’t believe me.

I tried to explain to him that, the time in life that most people figure out how to maneuver dating is in high school.  That’s where you should be cutting your teeth on learning the dos and don’ts about navigating romance.  I, however, wasn’t given that option.  My mother had me programmed to never see myself as attractive.  And God help any boy who even remotely found me so, as she’d figure out a way to run them off.  Whether it was forcing me to break up with them once summer hit because, “I was too young for something that long and serious” or talking a boy into breaking up with me because “I needed to focus on school and not boys” or manipulating all of my guy friends to act as body guards to ensure that no other boy ever looked at me as anything more than a friend.  And when all of that is happening without your knowledge, you learn to see yourself as nothing more than the friend.

This has continued into my adult life.  I can be at a party, gathering, event with single men, and while they might enjoy talking to me, and might laugh at my wit, they never ask for my number before they leave.  They never want to get to know me better.  They never pursue me.  So, in explaining this to the young one, he blatantly says, “Yeah, but that’s because you don’t seem open to it.  You have a logical way of looking at the world, compartmentalizing everything into a neat little box, so you aren’t open to being pursued.”  My best friend adds, “They can see your ‘Keep Out’ sign that is tattooed on your forehead.

And I’m baffled.  What the fuck are they talking about?  I have no idea what they’re talking about.  I had no idea that’s how I am perceived.  When I meet new people, I always try to just ‘be myself’ and I’m now realizing, that in doing that, I’m some how also giving off an unavailable vibe.  And i have no idea how or why that’s happened, so with all this very honest advice that I’m getting, as I sat at that bar staring at them, all I could think was, “What do I do with that?!?  How do I fix a problem I don’t even know I have?”  It’s not that I don’t believe them.  I’m sure they’re right.  I’m sure they’re telling the truth.  But how the hell do I fix it because I don’t see it?

I have no idea how to do things differently.  I have no idea what personality traits I”m supposed to hide, or which ones to make bigger.  I have no idea how to navigate this in any way, shape or form.  Mostly because when I do meet a guy I find attractive, I do try to get to know him, but the way I do it always lands me in the friend zone, so in addition to not knowing how to be pursued, I clearly don’t know how to pursue either.

And it occurred to me.  How is this completely all on me?  How is there not a guy out there who would see past the ‘keep out sign’ that is supposedly on my forehead? Back in the day, I’ve learned since my mother died, there were quite a few guys who wanted to pursue me, but didn’t for either fear of my mother or fear of my friends.  As an adult, only two men dared try to be with me, both not giving a crap about my mother’s tactics to run them off, but i was too obedient to choose them over her once the ultimatum was thrown down by her.

It’s been almost 24 hours since all this truth was laid at my feet, and still, I have no idea how to fix this problem.  No idea how to ‘be more open’.  No clue whatsoever.  Perhaps the curse of the friend zone is my fault.  But since I don’t know how to fix it, I guess it’s just going to have to stay as it is for now.  Maybe an epiphany will come to me.  Although, it does suck that being myself isn’t enough.  It does suck that who I am, who I know myself to be, and the things I like about myself aren’t enough.  That I somehow now have to figure out some way to be more.  I don’t know that I want to do that.  But I don’t want to be alone forever, either.

No breadcrumb, this time, sadly.  Instead, I fear this conversation and the emotions and frustrations that have come from it have led me down a new path of self evaluation that is taking me further away from the life I’m meant to have.  I probably should stop this path, and just go back…but I don’t know that I can just ignore it now that it’s out there.  Truth. What do I do with that?

I have no idea….

Ciao for now,

M

Be The Change

One of the things I’ve worked really hard at most of my life is not turning out like my mother.  I didn’t want her small town life, her small town job, or her small town ideals.  And more than anything, I didn’t want her health problems.  I managed to fail at all of those things.

I ended up doing the same job she did, although I am finally doing that job in a larger city making more money than my mother could have ever dreamed of making.  I never had her small town ideals, although when you live there for a while, those ideas can sometimes creep in.  However the biggest failure is that I totally have her health problems.  I’ve been ashamed to say it for a few years, I ignored it, I pretended it would just go away, but the truth is I’m diabetic.  I ignored my own health to focus on hers, and that wasn’t right.  And now, it’s been almost two years since she’s been gone, and my own health has fully freaked me out!

But, unlike my mother, I’m not going to ignore it and avoid it until I have no choice but to take insulin.  I don’t want to lose my eye sight, or a limb, or the function of my kidneys.  So, 43 days ago, I went to see a doctor and got a bunch of labs done and started a weight loss program that will help get my pancreas the break it needs.  I’ve started tracking my progress on another blog, Ideal Michele, so check it out if you’re curious what I’m doing to get better.

btcI hate that it took a scare of a super high blood sugar reading to have me finally focus on this.  I hate that I’ve let myself get to the point where blood sugar is even an issue.  I spent a lot of time beating myself up. But now, I realize that I can beat this thing! That it’s not a death sentence.  It’s a wake up call!  And I can be the change I want for my life, and I can make that change happen now!

If you’re so inclined, check out my other blog, follow it, and feel free to leave supportive comments for me, as I can use all the inspiration and support I can get!

I don’t have to end up like my mother, with dialysis and numerous meds as my quality of life.  I’m still young enough to fix this, and her fate doesn’t have to be mine unless I want it to be.  And I do not!

Breadcrumb enthusiastically found!

Ciao for now,

M sm

The Frogs! Good Lawwwd, So Many Frogs!

So, when you spend your entire adult post-pubescent life with a mother who refuses to support any romantic relationship, and does everything in her power to submarine any attempts at love, and you’re so obedient you wouldn’t dare go against her wishes or, heaven forbid, pick the man over her, you end up 38 years old and single without a prospect in p&F1sight.  Additionally, you don’t really have the skills for dating, as you were never taught how to do it, it was never encouraged, so you’re literally behind the 8 ball in so many ways, and it’s exhausting.  So, when everyone else started kissing their frogs around 16, you really have
 only kissed a few, and so, in short, you suck at dating.  Yes, my name is M, and I suck at at dating.  And I wonder, how many frogs have other women kissed, and how far behind am I, actually?

The frogs I’ve dated since I’ve been back have been so ridiculous, I can’t even tell you.  Everything from the Englishman who turned out to be gay, to the Indian who was clueless when it came to women, to the slew of online flakes, to the blind date who clearly would have rather watched basketball than had brunch with me.  I mean, come on, guys, if you don’t want to take a girl out, just don’t ask her out!  Don’t suggest a meet up.  Don’t get her hopes up.  And if, at the end of the date, there’s no spark, no chemistry, well it happens.  But don’t say, “This was fun, let’s do it again sometime,” a la Chandler with Rachel’s boss, and not mean it, cuz there is no need.  At least not with me.

I have one of those faces that tells on me, so if there’s no chemistry, if there’s no spark, if I’m not feeling it, you’ll know.  You won’t have to guess.  If you actually get to a kiss, and it’s notp&F2 ok, yeah, my face, and probably my words will let you know.  Why can’t I get the same in return?  Dating is literally a game, and I don’t get why it should be.  You like each other or not.  Why cause all this unnecessary painful drama?

Just once, can I please go out with a guy who is just honest at the end of the date?  I don’t know why that is too much to ask, but it seems to be.

I’m going through a lot of evolution in my life right now, lots of changes, lots of realizations.  And maybe, the problem with these dudes I keep picking is that I’m picking incorrectly because I am just now starting to figure out who I am and what I want.  Prob not the best time to be trying to snag a man.

I’ve come across some amazing men since I moved back, all already taken of course, so clearly there are good men out there.  But I think I’ve got too much going on to actively pursue one right now.  So, time to take a break from looking for love, and just keep working on me.  Once I get all my ducks in a row, then perhaps I can finally kiss the right frog who will turn out to be a prince, and not another dbag amphibian.

Breadcrumb not found…thought it was found earlier…now realize it just was a rock or something.

Ciao for now,

M

 

Changes

So, I’ve been focusing on what I want, as per my last post, but just last week came up with a plan to finally put into action!  My health is a major concern.  Combine a 50 hour work week with diabetes and sprinkle on unhealthy snacking cuz there’s a Bartell’s five feet from my office and you get a very unhealthy M.  My latest labs scared me to death, and when I got home from the appointment, I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself, “Self…you’re looking an awful lot like your mother.  Do you want your kidneys to fail, too?  Do you want to have to inject insulin into your body for the rest of your life?  Because last I checked, you did not have a daughter to give up her life to care for you when your immune system dissolves into a bag of dialysis fluid.  Wake the fuck up!”

And I did.  I spent a few weeks trying to get hard workouts in after work, and I did.  I also meal planned and ate well.  And yet, very few pounds dropped.  And I started the self-critical path towards bowls of pasta and bags of chips, and thank god for that image of turning into my mother, because I sat down to try to figure out why the hell my plan wasn’t working.  And it hit me.

Cuz I’m trying to fight against years of neglect of my health, while I was focused on my mother’s health, and I work in a demanding, exhausting job, and by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is work out.  It’s a chore, and I hate it, so I had to find another way.

A few years ago I did a high protein diet that worked for me.  I didn’t stick to it, because I didn’t have the best support system at home.  But it worked.  It worked wonders!  It balanced by blood sugar, gave me energy, and the food wasn’t bad.  So in doing research, I decided to go back to it, because on this diet, exercise isn’t a key factor until you shed the pounds.  And if I time it all out right, by the time the pounds are gone, I will have moved closer to work, and the energy suck that is my current commute will be gone, and I can use that time to tone myself up.

It’s going to work.  I can feel it.  I started a separate blog to track that journey, and feel free to check out Ideal Michele if you are so inclined.  This is the first time in my adult life where, rather than just giving up on the problem of my health, or ignoring it, I took stock and realized what my current lifestyle is like, and found a solution that works with it.  I’m pretty damn proud of me.

Crumb so unbelievably earned and found!

Ciao for now,

M